These Dreams
by ilikecrystals
Summary: Sam's having night terrors and Dean does what's needed to take care of his baby brother. Wincest. Don't like, don't read, please. I love reviews and constructive criticism, so BRING IT!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1.

##

Ok, this is getting fucking ridiculous!

Dean's wrenched out of sleep, jacked straight up in bed, alarm bells clanging in his mind and then with a muttered curse, he sees his stupid brother stalking back and forth in the darkened room, freaking sleepwalking _again_.

Sam's hugging himself like his skin's on fire, he's twitching and shivering, and the frantic whispers that reach Dean's ears make no sense, just fragments, an incoherent jumble and _damn_, this can't go on much longer.

Three fucking days now and it's not getting any better.

Three nights Sam's woken up with nightmares. Not just nightmares, but freaking Godzilla nightmares, eyes wide open but not seeing, lost in the haze of his own mind, doesn't recognize Dean…hell, doesn't even know Dean's in the room, Sam's brain focused only on whatever's scaring the hell out of him.

Because that's what Sam is, he's fucking terrified, his haunted eyes wild, a cornered animal desperate for escape, body tense and jerking, wired for action and muttering in that weird ass voice that's giving Dean the heebie-jeebies.

He'd looked it up on the computer this morning, because he needs to help Sam, get this shit to stop-

Night terrors. They're called night terrors.

#

The first time it happens, Dean bolts awake, torn from a sweet dream, that pretty waitress from the diner had her mouth wrapped around his dick so good and he was almost _there_, top of the world, her hot tongue deliciously sinful, making him feel so fine.

The next thing he knows, he's ramrod straight in bed, Bowie knife in one hand, twisted sheets in the other, the adrenaline shooting up his spine like quicksilver, eyes darting around the room, ready to kick some supernatural ass.

Only to find his brother, muttering words Dean can't quite make out and clawing at the door lock, trying to get out.

"Sam? Sammy? What the hell? "

But Sam doesn't hear him, stumbles to a window and bangs a fist, clawing at the ledge to push it up but can't manage it, his dream-filled mind frantic, unfocused and he turns, lunges towards the door, yanking and twisting at the handle, hungry to be outside, out of his nightmare.

Hugging himself in between, rocking back and forth to soothe, to calm his panic.

Sam's twisting in his skin, teeth grinding, muscles rigid and trembling, his whole body shuddering with spasms and the whole time he's muttering under his breath, hissing whispers that fill the room.

"Sam!" Dean's watched long enough and he's up, out of bed, grabbing his brother's shoulders, feels the flesh twitch and roll like a writhing snake under the cotton t-shirt, skin clammy and slick.

He gives a shake, "Sam, wake up!"

Sam tries to shove on past, bulldoze through him like Dean's not even there but Dean hangs on tight, muscles him back and keeps him there, slaps at Sam's face to rouse him but can't penetrate the dream Sam's lost in.

And Sam's fighting back, pushing at him to get away, muttering constantly and this close, Dean can catch the words but they make even less sense once he hears them, "Can't have, can't ever have, too much want…always there, always there, can't _do_ this, let myself, gotta hide, gotta stop, don't show it, _he_ can't see…can't have…"

Dean tries to remember everything he'd ever read about sleep-walking, which isn't much but he thinks he's not supposed to wake the person or get in their way-

"Got to-Get away, get away, can't do this, can't _be_ this way, he'll know, he always knows … sick, so sick …"

Ok, so Dean's pretty sure this isn't just normal sleep walking because Sam's _shivering_, for fuck's sake, his flesh hot as hell, sweat slick and freezing cold at the same time, his face strained and clenched, his chest huffing for breath and every muscle is bunched tight, fists balled up-

Nope, this is a full-fledged nightmare and Dean wraps his arms around his brother, pulls him tight to his chest and hugs hard, urging him backwards, steering him to the bed.

Feels something jutting hard against his hip and looks down in confusion-

And it's Sam's _dick_, standing out from his body, rock solid and freaking obscene, shooting a hot flush through Dean's skin at the feel of it against him, and it jerks him back, knocks him sideways because holy fuck, it's _lust_ that just flailed through his gut, thick and dirty, making him horny as hell and no fucking way is he feeling this shit for his _brother_-

Sam struggles against him for a moment more, eyes wild with fear, muscles rigid and tense and then he stills, sucks in a deep breath and Dean feels him settle, relax, like he's drawing comfort from the body hug Dean's got him wrapped in, from the soothing sounds Dean's making as he backs Sam up, flops them both down onto the bed, his weight heavy on top of his brother's long length.

And Dean starts babbling, trying for normal, trying to get his mind off his own dick that's currently tenting out his tighty-whiteys, hard already and growing fast, "It's okay now, you're okay. Gonna let you go now, Sammy but I'm right here with you, just want to get you into bed, that's all, get you covered up so you can get back to sleep."

And he's tracing soothing circles on his brother's arms, sliding his own body off so he can swing Sam's long legs up, his other hand moving of its own accord, petting back the sweat-soaked hair-

Dean gets him settled, drags the blanket up and starts to turn away but Sam lunges for him, locks on his wrist and pulls him back, clinging to his arm, not saying a word but hanging on tight, his glistening eyes boring into Dean's, feverish and hungry, body starting to twitch again so Dean sits down fast on the edge of Sam's bed.

"'S'okay, Sammy. Right here. Not going anywhere." Keeps repeating it, calm and steady, until Sam's eyelids droop and close, his breathing slows into an even pace and his fingers finally loosen their grip. With a soft sigh, his brother rolls over, buries himself in his pillows and starts snoring loudly.

Dean staggers back to his own bed, smacks at his traitorous hard-on for even daring to think about Sam that way and falls into a restless sleep, his dreams tormented, filthy, full of Sam's cock, rubbing hot and heavy against his own and images circle and swirl, scaring the bejesus out of him because he can't wrap his mind around any of this-

The terrible, horrible thought shoves its way forward and he wrestles it back, won't give it a voice, can't, it's _wrong_, so fucking wrong and _no, just no_.

But the tickle in his brain is playing a different tune and it rushes him, forces the truth on him even though he's not ready, will never fucking be ready for this-

Can't be true, _can't _be true-

But it is.

He wants Sam.

He fucking wants his _brother_, wants to kiss that pinched worried mouth, wants to tongue his way across that muscled chest, suck on his sweet skin until Sam is moaning against him, wants to taste him everywhere.

And when he's finished savoring every flavor, then he wants to-

God, he wants to…

He jerks awake, a cry of fear and loathing on his lips, his heart crashing against his ribs and he feels the tears on his cheeks, the trembling in his skin and he can't deal with this, any of this-

Dean gradually hears it in the dark, the shuffling sounds, whimpering and whispering and Sam's up again,

burning a trail around the room, and _Jesus Fuck_, this is ridiculous!

He shoves the blanket off, instantly aware of his boner that's still back in dream world, loving on Sammy, and he grabs Sam's shoulders, swinging him around and manhandling him back to bed.

It takes longer this time, his brother fighting him good and they're both sweating by the time he wrestles Sam down, onto the sheets, using his whole body weight to hold him there. He can feel the hard dick against his own and the possessive look in Sam's eyes thrills his core, even as it's freaking him out and when his brother bucks up with his hips, hitting Dean's aching cock with his own and rubbing hard, it's too much, breaks him into little pieces and he's a stuttering mess because Sam's fucking _humping_ him!

"Jesus Christ, Sam!" And he practically flies off the bed, staring down at his brother, whose hips are still thrusting obscenely, fucking the air, panting out whispered gasps that fill the room-

"God, need, need so bad, can't even, have to have, not enough anymore, not, God, need-" in a continuous litany that keeps pouring out of Sam's mouth like a broken record.

Dean backs up, dragging a shaking hand across his mouth and watches his brother jerk and wrack his hips, searching for something to rub against. Sudden inspiration strikes, if Sammy needs something to fuck against, Dean can at least give him that. He reaches down, flips Sam over so he's on his belly and watches as Sam works the bed, rubbing and gyrating down, ass cheeks clenching hard and suddenly crying out, a choked off moan as his body goes rigid for a moment and shudders with climax, filling his shorts with come before relaxing back down, harsh breathing slowing and deepening, and the soft snores reach his ears. Good, Sam's asleep again, at least for a while and Dean can let his guard down, take a breath, a pause and figure out what the fuck-

He staggers back to his own bed, sits down hard, sweat trickling down his back, his face on fire-

Rubs a rough hand across his mouth, blown the fuck away by what just happened here and ok, that was like the hottest fucking thing he's ever seen, Sam getting himself off on the mattress and he can't help it, he's gotta-gotta-

With a muttered 'fuck', he's shoving down his shorts, jerking on his dick hard and rough, the image of Sammy's ass wiggling and grinding sending Dean over the edge embarrassingly fast, biggest orgasms he's ever had, pulling every dredge of jizz out of his balls, leaving him trembling and whimpering like an idiot.

He cleans himself up, still so freaked out by this whole night he can't even begin to deal with it and he slumps wearily back onto the bed, only managing a couple hours of restless shut-eye before the sun wakes him, hot and streaming across his face, has him sitting up instantly to check on Sam and his brother is sleeping peacefully, sprawled on his back, buzzing lightly.

Dean's eyes are gritty, his brain sleep-starved and fuzzy and he glares enviously over at Sam, wishing he could sleep through sunshine like that.

He can't help himself, has to thump Sam's head with a pillow on his way to the bathroom, shoving his brother's shoulder because the stupid jerk is resting so easy-

And the low hitch of breath, the sleepy growl that means Sam's awake now and can't go back to sleep is music to his ears, makes him smile in satisfaction "What the hell, Dean? What the hell?"

##

Sam doesn't remember any of it.

Doesn't know why it's happening or how to stop it, just rubs a tired hand over his own burning eyes, sighs like it's Dean's imagination and lays back down on his bed, arms curling around his pillow, hugging tight-

And that right there, seeing Sam's exhaustion, makes Dean fierce, protective and he's got to find some way to stop this shit from happening again tonight.

#

It happens again, only Sam is _more _agitated, _more _frenzied and it takes over a half hour of soothing and keeping a death grip on Sam's body before Dean can ease him down onto the bed, keeping his dick well away from Sam's, lightly stroking his face, his arms, his chest until his brother relaxes, his body going limp and when Dean gets up, his wrist is snatched again in a hard grip, Sam gasping out the words, eyes terrified, "Don't, don't go, need…"

And there's nothing for it, Sam won't let him go, no matter how hard he tries to pry those clinging fingers off so he barks out a frustrated, "Shit!" and drops onto the bed, letting Sam's whispering babble flow over him, work its way into his gut until it's all he can hear. He hunches over his brother for another half an hour before Sam finally relaxes, sleep claiming him with a whimpered breath.

Back in his own bed, Dean stares at the ceiling, pondering over Sam's rambling words.

"Gonna knows, always knows, can't let him…sick, wrong, all wrong, inside, get out, get out now before he _sees_, keep it down, keep it in-"

And there's niggle of memory at the back of his mind, on the tip of his tongue and Dean knows he's missing something huge, something important but his tired brain can't make the connection, can't figure it and it's pissing him off.

Sam is so worried that _he'll_ find out whatever it is Sam needs to hide. So, who the hell is this _he_ and why is he fucking with Sam like this?

There's an odd burn in his belly, an anger he can't identify and it's messing with him, makes him twitchy in his skin, rolling his shoulders with a protective rage that makes him want to beat down whoever's making Sam scared like this.

And sleep, when it comes, is erratic and restless.

Twice more in the night, he's woken up, twice more he wrestles Sam down and finally just shoves Sam over, lays down and throws a leg over his brother's, curls an arm around him to keep his ass in the fucking bed so they can both maybe get a little sleep.

#

"Dean, what the hell?!" He's shoved awake, Sam's eyes huge and scared as they stare down into his and he's clueless, doesn't know what Sammy's problem is-

"Wha-?" His voice is croaking hoarse, his head still trying to cling to sleep.

"You're in my goddamn bed, dude! What the fuck are you doing in my bed?!" Sam's freaking out, like a virgin on prom night, hitched up against the wall, holding a blanket in front of him like a shield, his other hand clutching the sheets tight.

And it comes back to him, why and what and oh, yeah, how this is all Sam's fault!

He rolls off, sits on the side of the bed and rests his head in his hands, ignoring Sam's indignant squeak behind him because Sam can just wait one fucking minute here.

Shit, he's exhausted. His brain is weary and worn, there's a high-pitched whine in his ears and his skin is jerking with errant nerve endings, trembling under his flesh, can't settle in his own body.

He jerks a look over his shoulder, catches Sam's eyes and he doesn't seem much better, face pinched white under shadow, dull eyes sunken into the dark circles that have taken up a permanent residence on his face.

Dean's voice, when he tries it, is scratchy and old, clicking in his throat, "Fuck, Sam, it's _you_. You keep having these goddamn nightmares and the only way to get you to settle down is to _hold_ you down. And by the third time around, I was like all 'fuck-it' and ready to do just about anything to get us through the night. So I climbed on top of you, so you couldn't move, and finally managed to get a couple hours of shut-eye."

Sam stares at him, uncertainly, "No, that's-I didn't have any nightmares! I'd remember if I did, wouldn't I? I mean, I always remember them!"

"Not making it up, man. You're running around the room, clawing at the doors and windows, freaking out and I don't know what else to do. I mean, you don't remember any of it?"

Sam shrugs, perplexed and shakes his head in denial, his eyes skittering in fear, "No, I-not a thing, man."

"Is there something bothering you? Something I need to know about?"

Sam's gaze shutters, closes off and he's shaking his head, muttering, "Nothing new, man."

And Dean knows he's lying, knows something's going on but Sam's clammed up, teeth clenched tight and it makes Dean frustrated as all hell, "What does that mean, nothing new? It's gotta be something, Sam! I can't fix it unless I know what the problem is, dude, so spill-"

But Sam won't talk anymore, won't reveal, just slides out of bed fast and high-tails it to the bathroom, shutting Dean out, shutting Dean down.

Like that's really gonna help a goddamn thing.

#

He watches tiredly as Sam paces, window to door and back again, hands clawing at the latches, trying to get free.

It's getting to be a ritual now as Dean throws back the covers and catches Sam mid-stride, wrapping his arms around his brother's, pinning them to his sides and hugging hard, breathing into Sam's neck-

It's taking longer and longer to get Sam to settle each time, like whatever's bugging him is escalating-

The smell of Sam's fear is pungent and strong and he's covered in sweat, the edges of his hair dripping with it, body shaking with reaction, with terror and Dean hangs on tight, listening to the muttered words gasping out of Sam's mouth-

"Keep it down, can't let it out, shit, he'll know, can't let go, hold on to it, want, God, want him so _bad_-"

And Dean's jerking back so fast, he almost gets whiplash-

_What? What the fuck did Sam just say?"_

Want_ who _so bad?

"Sick, so sick, can't let him see, need him to stay, it'll hurt, hurt us both, just keep it down, down-"

Sam's trying to get free, struggling against Dean's grip and Dean starts walking him backwards, towards the bed, not loosening his hold for a second.

Forces Sam down, lies on top of him.

Feels the solid length of Sam's cock between them and tries his damndest to ignore it, but the freaking thing is pushing up against his own, hitching Dean's breath in his throat and making his own dick come alive, twitch with interest, the hot sparks shooting up his gut peaking his arousal, sudden and sharp.

_Too freaking long between lays, is all._

He pulls in a deep breath and starts to move, starts sliding away from Sam's erection, mentally kicking himself as hard as he can, his mind screaming _brother, brother, _even as his hand reaches down, presses firm on his own hardness, stopping the boner from becoming, filling his mind with ugly images, old lady boobs, fat dudes in speedos, chicks with more piercings than skin…

It works, little Dean is starting to wilt by degrees and _thank Christ, thank Christ-_

Can't finish the thought because suddenly Sam's hands are on him, yanking him back and holding him in place, Sam bucking up sharp and fierce, gyrating his hips as he rubs himself on Dean, holding himself right there for maximum contact and _shit, that feels nice_-

Sam's dick is hot against his own and it's wrong, bad, nasty and just about the hottest fucking thing he's ever felt and a wave of fiery lust shoots through Dean, leaving him floundering, panicked, filled with disgust at himself yet so fucking horny he wants to shoot his wad right there-

And the whole time, Sam is muttering in that whispery voice, the breathy lilt that cuts through his gut like a seductive snake, sweet breath filling his nose, "It's wrong, all wrong, can't have it, can't touch, need to get away before he sees-"

Dean's sweating, freaking out, moaning, desperate because his little brother is fucking up into him, and he's gotta stop this now, one more minute of Sam rolling into him, pitching and waning and he's not gonna be responsible for his actions-

And he hears his own voice, high-pitched and whining, begging almost, cracking with need and fuck, he _wants_, wants so goddamn bad, "Sam! Sammy! Gonna get you into, _oh, Jesus fuck_, in-into bed now and, _ahhh_, Sam, you gotta stop, man, please…"

And Dean wrenches Sam's hands off his hips, lurches backwards, desperate and wild, gets himself free, gets that dick_ off_ him as he grabs Sam by the shoulder and swings his legs up with brute strength, tucking a blanket around, swaddling Sam in tight before collapsing down, strength gone as he slumps on his knees on the floor and_ shit_, he can't fucking breathe through the pounding of his heart-

_Holy crap_, he just got thoroughly humped by his baby brother and he never wanted it to stop and that's just some fucked up shit right there-

Sam's hand curls around his wrist, catching and holding him, before he can think about moving, clinging hard, and he's stuck there, resignation setting in as he waits for Sam to fall back to sleep.

Forty five minutes later, Sam's breathing has evened out and Dean can pry his fingers off and get away, finally crawl back to his own bed.

Rubs his hands across his burning eyes and knows that sleep won't come-

He doesn't deserve sleep because he's a sick asshole who wants to fuck his own brother.

#

With a sickening feeling in his gut, he knows he's always wanted this, his love for Sam never ending, huge and all encompassing and of course, he loves him like that, of course. Sam is his, has been since he carried him out of that burning fire and now he wants to finish it, take Sam and own him, show him who he belongs to, who he's always belonged to.

Suddenly realizes that all the women, all the men he's ever been with have all been a substitute for this, for his Sammy, because he couldn't let himself have the one person he wanted most of all-

To love Sam to the end of his days, in every way, wants his brother in his arms when he draws his last breath, wants his last act on earth to be a kiss on Sam's sweet mouth-

But how in hell can he ever confess that, reveal it to the man that means more to him than the world itself?

It would hurt Sam, break them in ways Dean can only imagine and so that's it, then, a definite no to the spillage of his guts and revealing his innermost, Dean's just gonna push it back down where it's been this whole time, deep in his subconscious on a shelf with his heart.

And now it looks like Sam's met someone, fallen in love or lust with the mystery man and is now suddenly terrified that the other person will find out Sam's true feelings.

Dean shakes his head, any man should be honored by that, honored with Sam's love because it sure the hell doesn't come easy and Sam should be cherished, his love something precious.

And the angry crush in the pit of his gut almost consumes him and he can identify it now, it's jealousy, plain and simple. Sam wants another man and not him and it's not fucking fair! He's always been there for Sam, taken care of him, made him a home and he's _earned_ him, for fuck's sake. Sammy is his, no one else's and that's when Dean knows he's gone off the deep end, because it doesn't matter who it is, he's not gonna let Sam go be with someone else, nope, not happening.

And he's racking his brain, trying to figure out where the hell Sam met someone, hell, they've been in the car with just each other for days now, not even working a case, so it must have been way before, someone Dean never knew about and he can't for the life of him figure out who 'him' is.

#

Sam is starting to mutter again, words becoming more and more agitated, his body rolling around under the covers and suddenly he's bolting upright, stark terror in his eyes, yelling his name, "Dean! Dean! Please…didn't mean…Oh, God, oh, my God!"

And Sam starts rocking back and forth, big fat tears welling in his eyes, rolling down his face, glinting in the moonlight and as Dean watches the trail of them snake down Sam's cheeks, he's back at Sam's side instantly, urging him to lie back down, making low soothing sounds deep in his throat, "Shhh, Sammy, hush…'s alright, gonna be okay…sleep, dude…just sleep…"

Sam's eyes find Dean's and he reaches out, grips both of Dean's shoulders vice tight and gasps out frantically, earnestly, "Can't _tell_, never tell, fucking gorgeous, goddamn eyes and lips…wanna taste that mouth…"

His gaze falls on Dean's lips and the yank forward is so sudden, Dean can't stop it, feels the warm mouth land on his just seconds before Sam's pressing in, hot tongue poking and nudging, demanding access and Dean's so fucking surprised, he freezes, mouth slack, stunned, the honey snake of Sam's tongue twisting in, finding his-

The blaze is instantaneous, flooding his body with molten fire, burning away his self-control and leaving him shell-shocked, scared to death and floundering for his sanity.

His fingers clench in, cling to Sam's broad shoulders and before he can stop himself, he's kissing back with abandon, so fucking hungry for this, it rears up, overcomes him and turns him growling, rabid.

Fierce for this, ready to rip and claw for this, needs this like he's never needed before in his life.

And he's drowning, dying, Christ, so fucking sweet, Sam's mouth, it's delicious, peaceful, like coming home but desperate and ravenous at the same time, sucking the life out of him and hot tears slick down Dean's cheeks, can't stop them, and why the _hell_ is he Goddamn crying, it's Sam and love and want and _need-_

And the most beautiful fucking kiss he's ever had in his life.

All thoughts of_ brother_ and_ wrong_ and_ sin _fly out the window as Dean growls low in his throat, slides his hands up to cup Sam's face, thrusting his tongue in deeper, chasing after the tantalizing flavor that's teasing him, promising him, and damning him with each sweep, with each moan-

And Sammy doesn't evenknow how he just fucked Dean's world up totally, completely.

#

Sam breaks the kiss abruptly, falls back and stares at Dean's mouth again, words hoarse, moaned out like it hurts him, "God, want that mouth, heaven, fucking heaven in there, can't, can't let, he-he'll know, it's-" And a sob falls out of Sam, wrenched deep, "Fucking wanna taste_, just once_, just one fucking time and can't, can't, Goddamn it!"

And his face works hard, breaking with emotions, one hand rubbing at wet eyes and Dean holds on tight, keeps Sam anchored until the trembling body stills, a deep breath sucked in and Sam's tension slides away, his arms release Dean as he falls back into bed_,_ instantlysnoring loudly as Dean blinks down at him in confusion.

Sam's asleep, the night terrors conquered again, fucking finally, but as far as Dean's concerned, the damage is irreparable.

#

He's back in his own bed now, staring up at the ceiling, trembling all over from that freaking kiss-

However much of a girl Sam is, he's a hell of a kisser, just rocked Dean right down to his toes because it wasn't just an innocent peck or even a glancing slide, nope, it was a full-fledged, ball busting, shoot me to the moon and I'll never be the same, soul racking, cock-hardening, tongue wrapped around tongue, honest to God sizzling, scorching, flaming _kiss_.

And _fuck_, does Dean want another one. Twisted apart, if he gets another, he could die here, fulfilled and sated and so fucking happy, it hurts, rips at his soul, fills him completely, like nothing else ever has. His mouth is tingling raw and the taste of Sam still burns there, filthy and wrong, dirty and bad but oh, so delicious, so fucking _sweet._ His head's spinning, heart thumping like he's on a roller coaster being flung this way and that, and the only thing he can do is hang on tight because if he gets hit by one more curve, one more sudden drop, he knows he's gonna lose it-

Because he thinks Sam's got the hots for him right back.

There. It's said, out in the open, at least in his mind and yeah, maybe he's wrong, maybe Sam isn't talking about him, but Dean's pretty sure, yup, about ninety-six percent sure that he, Dean, is the 'him' that Sam's been trying to hide from, that Sam doesn't want to find out…

That Sam wants.

_Dean's _the reason for the frenzied pacing, the nightmares… the hard-ons and like the final picture clicking into a frame, he gets it, sees it all in the blink of an eye, in the flash of memory-

What he's been trying to remember, what's been niggling at him, in the back of his head, what brought this whole thing on-

#

It was that Supernatural Convention, the one Sam and Dean had been tricked into going to by Becky and Chuck, and those two dudes, what the hell were their names? They'd pretended to be Sam and Dean, role-playing like a couple of geeks but in the end, they'd dug in their heels and really come through, fighting the big bad right along with him and Sammy.

It was later, saying goodbye, when they'd wrapped arms around each other, casually told Dean they were partners, so comfortable in their own gay skin that Dean had almost been jealous. He said as much to Sam, after making a few homosexual jokes, and thought no more about it.

#

Until a couple of weeks later and they'd been drinking, Sam needling him about his latest conquest, a woman that looked really good after six shots of Jim Beam but the next morning turned out to be as old as a grandmother-

He'd made the mistake of telling his stupid little brother, when he'd let himself into the motel room the morning after, still skeeved at the miles of wrinkled skin he'd woken up to, the caked make-up that couldn't hide the years of damage and swearing he'd never take another fucking drink again.

Sam hadn't said a word at the time but the glint in his eye was enough to let Dean know he was gonna be teased bad for it and now, after a couple of shots, Sam was having a ball, clapping his hands and throwing back his head, laughing idiotically, finally getting payback for Dean having made him date an older woman once for a job-

"Shut up, Sam!"

"Dude, did she feel you up on the dance floor the whole night? No? Then, we're still not even, not by a long shot and I'm gonna milk this one for a while-"

He'd ordered them more hooch, hoping to get Sam so stupid drunk so he'd forget about Dean's one-nighter and soon enough, Sam's listing to one side, hanging onto the bar for balance, barely able to hold his head up-

Dean paid the tab and hauled Sam up, pulling one arm around Dean's neck as he dragged Sam drunkenly towards the door. Sam had looked down at him then, his eyes unfocused and words garbled but Dean heard, clear as day, "Dean, those two guys…remember…they were playing us at the convention…just…they were so normal, you know, not like gay dudes-I mean, they were just two guys, not-shit, I don't know what the fuck I want to say-." Sam is stumbling over the words, searching for the right ones and finally shrugging, giving up and blurting out the question working on his heart, "I guess, I mean…Hey, y-you ever been with a guy?"

He'd felt the bottom drop out of his stomach and instantly his walls were up for protection and he'd warily snorted out a laugh, stalling for time, "What, sexually? Why you asking, Sammy? You interested in that kind of thing?"

"Jus' answer the question, man."

He had them outside, in the parking lot, staggering towards the Impala before he replied shortly, not wanting to embellish, "A few. You?"

He hefted Sam into the passenger seat and slammed the door, getting in the driver's side and turned, staring hard at his brother, waiting for an answer, sucking in a harsh breath and holding it, suddenly more jealous than he'd ever been in his life and his stomach had curled inward, scared to death and _what the fuck_?

Sam met his eyes with a sad smile, "Wanted to, _want_ to…can't."

"Never?"

Sam shook his head, affirming, "Never."

And _fuck yeah_…the relief that flowed through Dean's body was palpable, hadn't known how tight he was holding himself until his muscles relaxed, for some reason really glad it was virgin territory for Sam and he'd reached for the ignition, drunken haze clouding his mind before he found the question and turned to his brother, raising his eyebrows, "Why can't you?"

But Sam was already leaning back, feigningsleep and Dean's question floated heavy in the air.

#

He thinks about the look in Sam's eyes when he said 'want to', like in the present tense, like now and the sadness that had been rolling off him-

Wants to take that trembling body in his arms, kiss those incredible lips, wants to lose himself there, in the breath and smell and warmth of his baby brother, wants to make Sam so happy.

Yeah, Sammy, he 'wants to', too.

He rolls over, staring at his brother in the moonlit room, the face relaxed in sleep, so young, so innocent, he just can't do it, can't damage Sammy like that, even if it's what Sam wants to-

Can't touch him like he wants, kiss him like he wants, use that fucking gorgeous body the way he wants to-

Can he?

##

The next night, it happens again and he stares dully at Sam, pacing the room, doesn't know how the hell to fucking stop this, needs to help Sammy deal, get over this, man, because they both need sleep.

Unbroken, solid, like twenty hundred hours of it.

His brother's words skitter through the silence, hushed reverence, "God, want, want so _bad_, need to hide it, can't let it out, freaking_ starving_ for it."

And Dean's up, off his bed before he thinks it through, stops Sam mid stride, shoves him back down onto his own bed and clambers on top, holding down his brother with all his weight.

Sam fights him, struggling to stay upright, trying to buck Dean off with his hips and Dean digs in, wrapping his knees around Sam's torso, holding him in place.

He reaches down, to still Sam's hips, to stop him from moving and his hand brushes against the hard-on already bulging through pajama pants.

The reaction is instantaneous, the moan that rips out of Sammy's throat sweet pleasure, all dirty thoughts and filthy dreams and Sam's legs sprawl open, the spreading immediate, erotic, and Sam gives a gurgle of pleasure, bucks up into Dean's hands.

Fuck now, what's he supposed to do? Dean's flying without a net here, his dick already hardening, throbbing with hopes and wants, and he doesn't think anymore, just cups his hand around Sam's dick, and squeezes tight.

And the next thing he knows, he's sliding his hand inside, into the soft flannel pants, feeling his way and _shit_, Sam's commando, the hot flesh burning into his skin and he jerks back, almost loses his nerve.

Doesn't even know what the hell in his core is driving this, just knows this is the only goddamn way he'll ever be able to touch Sam and yeah, it's sick, yeah, it's perverted, but he's _doing_ it, just the same, so fuck you's all around-

He lets his fingers curl around the velvet flesh, the moan out of Sam's mouth obscenely beautiful as he bucks up into Dean's grip, "Ohhhhhh, Unnnggghhhh….."

And he squeezes hard, lets his hand slide easy up and down, doesn't let himself think, just does it, mouth bone dry, heart in shreds because he's sunk down lower than he's ever gone before, a slug on a rock, not worthy of touching anything, much less his beautiful Sammy.

And to his surprise, Sam settles back and falls instantly asleep, mouth open and snoring loud, body relaxed and mind finally at peace.

Dean thinks Sam knows it's _his_ hand, _his _touch and that's why Sam is finally resting.

He makes himself stop, has to because Sam's asleep now and there's no fucking reason whatsoever for Dean to still be there, letting his hand caress the firm length, the warm velvet skin-

But his hand tingles with heat now and the smell he keeps close, because it's Sammy's smell, better than the sweetest flower he's ever buried his nose in.

And he slinks back to his own bed, can't even be inside himself, so ashamed, so filthy because he actually touched Sam, felt the skin between them and wants more, so much fucking more-

Sam doesn't wake up again, sleeps peacefully through the night.

And Dean sleeps like a baby, Sam's smell next to his face.

##


	2. Chapter 2

##

##

It doesn't stop the nightmares.

His touching Sam's dick like that just seems to make them worse, escalates them.

So the next night, when Sam's stumbling from window to window, Dean doesn't even hesitate, he grabs his brother, wrestles him down on the bed and lays on top, forcing a thigh in between Sam's legs-

Which part for him immediately and he's not even gonna _go_ there with how freaking hot _that _is.

He shoves his leg up, underneath Sam's balls and when his brother is moaning and writhing underneath him, he takes that mouth for his own.

Going straight to hell and knows it, but fuck, he can't help himself, he's lost, so fucking lost, just needs Sammy's taste, the sweet flavor on his tongue and he'll stop in a minute, just needs one dip in.

His tongue slides in, finds his brother's and his mind goes AWOL, the delicious sparks of pleasure coursing through his gut too much, too fucking real and raw, he can't even deal and he wants to drown in it.

Happy, fucking at last Goddamn happy and he can die right here, thank you very much. He wants for nothing now; Sammy's his, just for a night.

But his brother isn't settling. If anything, he's thrashing harder, knowing instinctively that Dean can give him so much more-

And it's only when Dean's hand reaches in, curls around Sam's dick and gives slow lazy pulls that Sam chokes out a hushed cry and falls back, a soft smile curving his mouth as he relaxes back into sleep, the trembling in Sam's body lessening and finally stopping and when Dean slides out his hand, stands up, Sam immediately rolls onto his side, hugging a pillow, getting comfortable.

Dean shakes a blanket out over his brother and turns, sits on his own bed, staring at Sam's back, can't fucking believe he's been reduced to this fucking perverted shit and he rubs a hand over his mouth, every nerve in his body zinging with pent-up frustration because he doesn't know what the hell else to _do_.

He can't get Sam calm any other way, if he could find anything else that worked, he'd do it in a heartbeat but he's got nothing-

The scent of Sam's dick is all over his hand and it's like a lock clicking into place, his path clear now and he knows what he's gotta do next.

He's gotta tell Sam what he's been doing.

#

But he can't.

It happens again the next night, and the next and Dean just can't, okay? He tries, he really does but the words catch and burn in his throat, his guilt and shame overwhelming him and there's no way to sugarcoat it, no way to make it sound any better because what he's doing is awful, terrible, sick and wrong-

So fucking wrong.

Can't bring himself to tell his baby brother that Dean's jerking him off every night.

Because that's what it's become.

What started as a few innocent pulls of Sam's dick has turned into a full-fledged jacking off session, with Dean working Sam's dick good, not jerking him to orgasm yet but damn close.

It's taking longer and longer for Sam to settle.

And Dean can't even begin to deal with all the feelings it's awakening.

He's not a bottom, never has been and the few times he's been with a guy, it'd been a jerk off session, a blow job once, with the dude sucking him down and Dean's never been tempted, not ever, the thought of someone's dick up his ass kinda skeeving him.

Until now.

Until Sam.

Now, it's _Sam_ and his brother's hung like a fucking horse, his reactions so Goddamn beautiful when Dean touches him, it's pure and sweet, his moans of pleasure, the length of him that hardens for Dean so nice whenever he strokes it-

Can't help but think how it would feel, letting himself lose control for once, giving it to Sam and letting Sam have what he's never offered another human being.

Give himself to the only man he's ever trusted, he's ever loved.

Taking Sam the same way, hard and rutting, plowing in and sliding on home, until Sam is screaming in pleasure, until they're fused into one, together forever, like it was always meant to be.

Dean and Sam, against the world.

#

The drive to Pennsylvania is long and hot, the summer blaze beating down on them, the wide open windows barely cooling the air and his t-shirt is sticking to him, sweat trickling down and he's so fucking tired-

Has to keep stopping, filling the thermos with strong coffee just to stay awake, chugging down cup after cup because his vision is blurring around the edges, his judgment's off and he knows he'd dangerously close to complete collapse.

Can't live off a couple of hours of sleep a night, just can't.

And Dean tries to tell Sam, he really does, but the words won't come out of his mouth. How in hell do you tell your brother you've been jacking him off just to get him to snap out of his nightmares? It's a fucked up case of nasty no matter how many ways Dean tries to spin it and there's no way the reveal is gonna end good. Sammy is gonna be freaked out and leave him, he knows it, and it's that thought, above all others, that leaves him mute, unable to tell.

#

By nightfall, Sam is exhausted, his eyes glassy, dark smudges underneath and he's jerky movements in the next seat, his nerves misfiring and he can't seem to control his body.

The third time Sam spills hot coffee on himself, Dean's had enough. They can finish the drive tomorrow. He's gonna find them a place to hole up, hit a drugstore for some sleeping pills for Sam, a liquor store for himself and they're gonna get some shut-eye tonight if it kills him.

Sam flat out refuses to take pills, telling Dean he's sleeping just fine and he doesn't know what the hell Dean's talking about. It's only when Dean drags his ass to the mirror and _shows_ him that Sam finally gets it.

Sees the dark bags etched under his eyes, the white face and haunted stare, the tremble of his hands when he reaches up, touches himself-

"But I don't remember having any nightmares! How the hell is it I'm doing all this stuff and I can't remember?"

Dean shakes his head, "Eventually, we have to find out why you're having the nightmares, Sammy, but not tonight. Tonight, we gotta sleep or we're gonna die. So it's this-" He holds up the sleeping pills, "Or you're gonna have to get so drunk you pass out. Otherwise, I'm gonna knock your ass out and tie you to the bed, then I'm gonna make you swallow these. Your choice."

"Dean-" Sam starts to argue and stops, gazing into Dean's eyes and he must see how dog tired Dean is because he snaps his lips shut and reaches for one of the whiskey bottles on the table, "Okay. Okay."

#

It's a half a bottle in before Dean brings it up.

"You remember that Supernatural books convention? All those dudes pretending to be us? That was some funny shit right there."

Sam downs another swig, wiping his mouth off before trying to focus his eyes on Dean's face, "Yeah, I 'member. Wha made you think about that?"

He shrugs and drinks, coughs around the liquor burning a clear path to his stomach, "I dunno. Just sort of popped into my head. Hey, you remember those two gay guys, the ones that helped us on the case? Wonder whatever happened to them. Think they're still together?"

He holds Sam's eyes while he speaks, watching for any sign, any-

A flare of something dark and hungry flashes there and the air turns heavy, gets sucked away between them and Sam drops his eyes, staring at Dean's mouth, taking his time there before swinging his gaze back up, "Sometimes I wish-"

And he trails off, yanking his gaze away even as he's shaking his head, raising the bottle and gulping, his fingers a trembling clench, his Adam's apple working hard.

And Dean realizes he's holding his breath, "Wish what?"

Sam stiffens up, shoulders held tense as he backtracks, reverses and Dean sees it happen, wants so badly to pull Sam back, keep him right here, in the tension, make him freaking reveal what's in his heart.

"Nothing. I don't wish anything." Sam's tone is final.

And Dean can't let him go, can't let this go, forces out the words, "Well, sometimes I wish I could be as free as those two were. Wish I could just admit stuff that's been eating at me, in here-" And he thumps his chest, "'Cause fuck, it's so goddamn hard sometimes to hold it in. And even if it's all kinds of fucked up, wish I could just tell someone, tell you, what kind of shit I'm dealing with here."

Sam's eyes are confused, growing darker with each whisper between them, his voice awed, reverent, "You can tell me anything, Dean, you know that. I'll always be here for you, man."

Dean purses his lips, pretends to consider it, "Right back atcha, Sammy, need you to know that because sometimes, I feel like-" And he trails off, shakes his head, "Nah, can't, Sammy. It's-can't even admit it all to myself, you know? It's sick and wrong and it can't happen, it can never happen."

Sam licks his lips, eyes never leaving Dean's face, his tone breathless, hopeful "What? What's sick and wrong? Please, Dean…I need to know. Please."

He shakes his head again, sucks down another two gulps of liquid courage, doesn't know what the hell he should say now-

And Sam leans forward, puts his hand on Dean's arm, the warm fingers curling around and Dean can feel the breath on his face, the sweet smell of it wafting into his nose and the kiss Sam laid on him rises up in his brain, the sizzling hot of it turning his body to fiery lust in mere seconds-

Sam's voice comes again, low and pleading, "Please Dean, tell me."

He rubs a shaking hand across his mouth and up behind his neck, rubbing hard to relieve the tension, "Sometimes, I just wanna, I just wanna-"

And he makes a tortured moan in his throat, reaches out and grabs Sam behind the neck, hauls him forward, and the soft mouth is there, right there, his for the taking and he's not pretending anymore, not faking this, God, wants those lips so goddamn _bad_-

He does it, breaches the space, covers Sam's mouth with his own and shoves him open, thrusts in deep with his tongue and the fucking taste of his brother fills his brain, kills him sweetly with each flavor, each tang.

Sam gives a choking gasp, his body goes stiff for a second and then he moans, a low hurt sound in his throat and hands are there, cuffing Dean's neck, hooking him closer and Sam's opening up, letting him in with soft sighs of pleasure.

Dean presses in, goes deeper, every twist of his tongue around Sam's snapping electricity down his spine, sucking away at his control, his free will, until he's lost there, in Sam's taste, in Sam's love.

The sudden shove back is confusing, un-called for and his muddled brain groans his displeasure, chasing after those delicious lips because they're _his_, goddamn it and he wants more-

"Dean!" He opens his eyes and Sam is holding him back, hands grip tight into his shoulders, blue-green gaze locked on his like he's just sprouted fucking wings, and Sam's shaking his head, dropping one hand to rub it rough across his mouth. His words, when they come, are hushed, afraid, "What- Dean, what the hell, man? What're you-? Jesus Christ, why'd you do that?"

He narrows his eyes at Sam, can't believe after all his brother's put him through, he's even got the balls to ask that question, "Because of _you_, Sam. Because you _want_ this and hell, I want it too but it's the nightmares, Sammy. You-you're having them because you're keeping this shit bottled up inside of you and you just need to freaking admit it, let it out. You-Jesus!" And he shakes his head, stares into Sam's dazed face, the image in his head sucking away his sanity even as the passion swirls up, dark and beautiful, "You_ kissed_ me the other night, one of the hottest fucking kisses I've ever had, and that-that started this whole thing. You-shit, I didn't even know I felt like this but damn, man, right there with you, whole-heartedly reciprocating and we need to do something about this because it's not going away, Sammy. You and me…we've been doing a lot of shit you don't know about, during your nightmares, and we need to get it out in the open right now-"

Sam is holding himself stiff, shoulders hunched up around his ears, shaking his head in denial and licking his lips nervously, "Look, Dean, I-you're my brother, for fuck's sake! And even if I was thinking about- this, why the hell are you on board with it? You should be fucking pounding me, man, running as fucking fast and far away as you can, so what the hell, Dean? I mean, I never, never meant for you to know about-"

Sam sucks in a breath, seems to realize he just fucking revealed everything and starts rocking back and forth, going inside himself, "Fuck, this sucks! You must think I'm such a sick fuck!" the voice is thick and hurt, and Sam ducks his head, mumbles miserably, "Jesus Christ. You need to tell me right the fuck now what we've been doing, because God, this is wrong, so wrong!"

Dean hears the words, feels them in his gut and Sam is in full-fledged denial, refusing to even think about his wants, his needs, like if he doesn't acknowledge them, they don't exist but Dean knows the Sam of dark, his brother so lost in his own desires, he can't get away from them, tries to outrun them every night but fails, can't even get the door open to flee-

Gonna tell Sam all of it now, every sick and twisted thing that's been happening because Dean's not gonna be in this alone anymore, Sammy's the one that's put them here so he's pulling Sam right into the nastiness, making him deal-

Dean spits out the words fast, reaching out to grip Sam's shoulders so he can't turn away, can't not hear this, "You won't calm down unless I'm touching you, not just anywhere but touching your dick."

Sam gives a pained moan, muscles twitching under Dean's fingers, face dead white but Dean keeps going, gonna tell Sammy all of it now, "You like it best when I'm jerking you off, used to be just a couple of pulls but it's getting to where you won't settle unless I'm fucking working your cock good. It started out with you humping me, I'd try to stay as far away from you as possible and flip you over, let you do yourself against the mattress but it wasn't enough for you because the next time, you held me down, fucked into me until I was seeing double and fuck, Sammy, I tried to stop you but you were just so goddamn…_insistent_. Could have handled _that_ probably, but then you went and laid that goddamn kiss on me and-I didn't even know how much I wanted you until then but it was like something slid into place, in my gut, in my soul, fixed something in me I didn't even know was goddamn broken but all of a sudden, I knew. You were what I've been needing my whole life and everyone else was just…filler. I couldn't help myself after that, I just-I had to have you, Sammy, you understand? The first time, I brushed against you, just trying to hold you down, to keep you on the fucking bed but you spread your legs for me like a goddamn porn star and when I touched you, I just-I lost control, Sammy. I couldn't-you were just so beautiful, the way you would rock up into my hand, you trusted me to take care of you and I-fuck, I fell in love with you. Doesn't matter that you're my brother, doesn't matter that you're a guy, I-love you, Sammy. Always have, always will and I just need you to accept this, accept me and we can be together."

Sam moans again, rocks forward, head dropping in his hands, "Not-fuck, you were never supposed to _know_! It's, shit, Dean, this fucking thing inside me, it's just-can't get rid of it, tried, Goddamn it, tried so fucking hard to shove it back, keep it down. So fucking sorry you need to deal, not your problem, just can't help it! It rips me up inside, the freaking want, don't know how to stop it! Didn't want you to know-"

Dean reaches out, lets his fingers slide down Sam's face, his touch soft, caressing, "Too late for that now, Sammy. You just gotta let it out, man. You ain't forcing me, I want it just like you do and I know it's wrong, but I want it anyway. Can't fucking stop it, it's just is so huge, it's eating me alive and I'm not right until I'm touching you. Squicks me out, man, feeling you up when you're not aware, need you to wake the goddamn fuck up, tell me you want this, all of this, because it will end me, Sam, if you don't, I swear-"

"NO! Can't want this! Can't have this! Dean, come _on_! What the fuck are we even talking about here? No, just, _no_!" And Sam turns away, stone cold sober by the look of him, shaken to his core at his own dirty thoughts, Dean's acceptance of it making it worse somehow.

And Dean's heart rips apart, jagged edges curling into ashes, Sam's refusal destroying the hope that's fueling him, leaving behind only pain, despair and the gut-twisting fear of what he's letting himself consider-

"_Please_, Sammy." Dean's voice catches on a sob, the tears stinging at his eyes and he's begging now, cold, so fucking cold right now, needs Sam to come clean, admit this shit so he's not alone here-

Holds Sam right there, breathing the words out into that terrified face, already broke them and got nothing more to lose, "Fucking _love_ you, man, need you so bad sometimes, and just-God, all I want to do is just lose myself in you, have this mouth, have all of you and have it be okay. Know I shouldn't, know it's fucking filthy, but it's inside of me and I can't keep it down, just, whenever I look at you, I want this, so goddamn bad, I can't even—"

And he dives back in, takes that mouth again, needs to make Sam understand just how much, how deep it is with him-

Feels Sam give around him, open up and let him and he settles in with a satisfied moan, gonna have this now, gonna have all of this-

He's shoved back so fast, his head is spinning, mouth searching for his brother's, the fists shoved against his chest now holding him at arm's length, the skin hot and throbbing where they hit and he's frowning, trying to pull Sam back in-

"Dean, stop!" He opens his eyes, locks on Sam's blue-green gaze and it's granite, unyielding, the chin clamped tight, denying his feelings, and Sammy's made his choice, not gonna give a fucking inch on this, his jaw gritting out the words-, "I'm telling you we can't _do_ this, we can't let ourselves have this! I get that you think you need this, I_ do_. But you don't, you'll live, we both will, all we gotta do is turn away, let this go because this is wrong, Dean. It's so goddamn wrong I can't even look at it. And you should feel the same. You hearing me, Dean? I can't let myself have this! And you can't either!"

Dean draws back, his heart gripping hard in his chest, his love for Sam all-consuming, Sam's words breaking him and fuck it hurts, that Sam won't admit, that Sam won't_ let_ them-

Wants to pout and stomp his feet, wants to take Sam anyway, show him how good it can be between them, wants to work his brother up good, until he can't resist, until he can't do anything but fall into Dean's arms.

And then…

The cold water of Sam's refusal washes over him, freezes his passion, his lust, and he holds himself there, grits down on his self-control and he's no longer teetering, on the edge. Nope, he's fucking pissed. At himself because he revealed everything in his heart, all his sick fantasies and he shoulda known better than expose himself, risk everything-

He's pissed at Sammy, too, for having the control that he doesn't, for being able to say no and push this huge thing between them away.

He lurches back, can't look at his brother anymore, so fucking ashamed, mortified, and mumbles over the aching of his heart, "Not gonna force you, man. You don't want this, we don't do this. I won't-won't touch you again, like that, ever, I swear. I'm-sorry, Sam, so fucking sorry, thought you wanted it, too, thought all I had to do was get you to admit it and you'd be better but you're-." He sucks is a breath, turns away, his muscles stiff, rigid, "You're right. This whole thing is not natural, not normal and so fucking wrong, it's- From now on we tie you down at night, you hear? You can have as many nightmares as you want as long as you're not running around the room. I'll get myself some earplugs so I can't hear you and get myself some fucking sleep. Maybe that's all this is. Maybe I just need some sleep."

_And this will all be just a bad dream…_His mind continues helplessly, remorse and shame in every breath-

"Dean." Sam's voice follows him and Dean isn't even aware that he's moving, walking fast across the room until he's at the door, yanking it open and staring into sweet freedom outside. He doesn't look back, just grabs his keys and jacket and slams the door shut behind him, not gonna give his stupid brother the satisfaction of seeing him broken, at his worst, at his lowest.

Fuck, he can't face Sam again, now that he knows how Dean feels, what he's been doing at night with Sam's body, he's humiliated, dirtied, sullied and doesn't ever want to see that look of pity in Sam's eyes again.

He's in the car before he knows it, driving fast and going nowhere, just fleeing, away from Sam, away from his treacherous heart and that's where he's gonna stay.

_Away from Sam._

##

"Dean! What the hell do you mean you're not coming back? Listen, I know this is an issue but we've gotten through a hell of a lot worse than this before and we can get through this, I swear. It's okay, man, I don't blame you, I-blame myself. It's all on me so just, please, Dean, don't. Don't do this, pl-." Sam is talking fast, but the voice mail cuts him off, and probably just as well as he's almost sobbing into the phone, so fucking scared.

He's lost Dean for good, knows he has and it's all because of his stupid subconscious, forcing shit out of him that should never have seen the light of day and damn it, he's not in control of it anymore, can't keep it inside any longer!

Thought Dean would be back in a hour or so, to make sure he was okay but Dean had stayed gone, way past his usual roll-in time and Sam was waiting up for him when he got the call.

"Sammy, I- need you to just listen to me and not say a word. Can you do that? See, I've got to get this out before I- I need you to forget about me, man, just can't face you again, don't want to see that look of disgust in your eyes ever again so need you to go on alone, without me. I love you and I'm so sorry for everything, Sammy. I should never have done those things to you, just too fucking weak to resist. Not gonna happen again, I swear. I-need to say goodbye, Sammy, because I don't know if I can stop myself, just, got to stay away, then I'll know you're safe, so…I love you and I'm sorry, Sam. So Sorry."

His stomach had dropped to his knees at the _finality_ in Dean's voice, at the determination in the sad, hushed tone but before Sam could say a goddamn word, his brother was gone, the click of phone a punch right to his gut and now the asshole isn't picking up his cell, Sam's call going right to voicemail every time.

The clock ticking in the darkened room matches the beat of his heart and Sam counts the rhythm, trying to lull himself to sleep but it's no good-

He can't shut his eyes, searching frantically in the dark at the ceiling, nothing but shadows and smoke, no answers at all up there.

Fucking Dean, leaving like that, what the hell is that gonna accomplish, huh?

He sits up, punches his pillow, wishing it were Dean's face, and then huffs back down, stares at the whirls and divots in the plaster, memorizing every flaw-

They've been through a lot of shit together and never once had they ever been afraid to face each other. They can get through this, he knows they can, but Dean needs to God damn_ be_ here for that to happen.

Jesus, the things Dean said-

How he wants Sam right back, how much he loves, needs-

It curled warm around his heart, made him so freaking hungry, frantic for any little piece of Dean he can get but fuck!

Sam can't let himself go there, can't let_ them_ go there, can't just let himself have what he's so desperately wanted most of his life because it's wrong, so fucking wrong and fucked up and Dean knows that! They can't cross that line, it's just not done and Sam's pretty sure if they do, they'll never be able to be brothers again, not like they are now. It'll get all screwed up and weird, they'll never be the same. And he still needs his big brother, more than he needs a lover.

_You can have both if you try hard enough_, a little voice in his head whispers insidiously, _Hell, you've already been doing it if Dean's telling the truth and you haven't broken or shattered from it._

He sees his brother's face in his mind's eye, devastated when Sam refused him, ashamed and hurt creeping through right after and fuck, Sam didn't want that to happen, wanted Dean to be happy, wants to fill every empty crevice of Dean's heart with love, complete him-

Needs his goddamn brother here, right here, figuring this fucking shit out together!

He hears the key in the lock and jolts in surprise, sitting up and watching as the door swings open and Dean slides in.

They lock eyes and Dean's surprised, expected Sam to be asleep and he stutters to a halt, deer caught in headlights, shoulders slumped with pain, "Sammy, I-" and his eyes jerk, looking everywhere but at Sam, "I just came to-uh, wanted to make sure you were okay, not having any more nightmares. I'll stay, watch over you and make sure you're good, so you can get some rest and I'll-I'll be gone by morning."

Sam shakes his head, "Dean-"

His brother holds up a hand, cuts off Sam's words, misunderstanding the interruption, "I swear-" And Dean stops, gives a shuddering sob and tries again, "I fucking_ swear_ to you that I will never touch you like that again. I just-want to make sure you're safe. Then I'll go."

It bursts out of him, pleading and raw, "You don't need to go! Please, I-just-we can work this out, it'll be okay. You can stay. I need you to stay, Dean, please."

Dean still won't look at him, "I can't, Sam. Don't ask that of me."

And then he clams up, grabs a chair and sits, facing the door, his back to Sam, "Just go to sleep, okay. Let's just get you through the night."

Sam stares at his brother's stiff back, wants so badly to reach out, touch that stern shoulder, knows if he can just let his fingers speak for him, Dean will know how he feels, how much he feels and how much he wants this. Knows he can't ever have it but Dean needs to know he's wanted, desired, so fucking beautifully perfect, Sam can't even deal with it.

But how the hell is Sam gonna get that through to him? Dean's gonna leave as soon as he can, already twitching with the need to flee and if Sam goes near, Dean's gonna run, he knows it, so he does as Dean tells him to.

Leans back onto the bed, cuddles into warm blankets, stares at the familiar ceiling and starts talking-

"I fell in love with you when I was fourteen. It had just turned spring, we were in New York, and I remember the smell of first fresh cut grass, the peepers in the ditch were croaking so loud, it was hard to hear over them and you and I were at this truck-stop motel, you remember? The restaurant served barbeque pork on a bun with coleslaw in the middle. Never had a sandwich taste so good before and all the French fries they gave us, shit, even _you_ couldn't eat them all."

He sees Dean turn his head slightly, listening, the unyielding back relaxing with every word. Sam swallows hard, wills away the baseball-size lump that's taken up residence in the back of his throat, the memory of that day still so strong, it's overwhelming him. "That-that trucker, you remember? The one that kept hitting on me when I was playing pinball, saying how 'pretty' I was and how I'd look so good riding his dick. I kept trying to ignore him but he wouldn't go away and when he reached up, ran his fingers through my hair, I jerked away, ready to tell him to leave me the hell alone but suddenly, he was just-gone and when I turned around, you had him down and you were fucking _pounding_ on him. He was huge, must have been over three-hundred pounds and you-you were so small next to him but you just kept laying into him, would've goddamn killed him if we hadn't managed to pull you off. He was-really hurt, Dean and all the while, all you kept saying was, 'Don't you t_ouch_ my Sammy, you son of a bitch, you keep your fucking hands off!"

Dean's head is bent, his voice a hushed whisper, "He had no right to put his filthy hands on you."

Sam waits for more but Dean just sits there, lets the silence spin and Sam shakes his head, gonna push this, "You remember what you did after that, Dean?"

Dean turns his body, locks eyes with Sam and shrugs, "I was so goddamn mad, it's all a blur after that. Next thing I remember clear was watching you sleep, needing to protect you."

"You yanked me out of the restaurant and hustled me back to the room. Once we got inside, you _tore _off my clothes, threw the whole wad in the trash, and dragged me into the shower. I remember you got right in there with me, still had on all your clothes but it didn't seem to matter, you- you turned on the water and started washing me. But it wasn't just scrubbing my skin, nope, you took your time, kept telling me how beautiful I was and to not let that asshole make me feel bad or ashamed. You said you loved me, would always love me and that you would never, ever leave me. I-I fell in love with you right then, in the steam and the soap, while you were cleaning the feel of his hands off me, you were…hell, you_ are_ everything to me, Dean. You-you promised you wouldn't leave me so you can't go. You've_ never_ broken your word to me before and you can't start now. You promised and I'm gonna hold you to it."

Dean stares at him with wounded eyes, the struggle there apparent and Sam knows he's reached him because Dean will never break a promise to him, ever, "Dude, that's not fucking fair."

Sam gives a ghost of a smile, "Don't care. Whatever works to keep you with me, I'm gonna do."

"But, what about-I mean, I can't just ignore what happened before, I-you don't want me, remember?"

Sam scowls, "What I said was, 'this was wrong, Dean and we can't'. I _never_ said I didn't want you."

He scoots off the bed, goes to Dean and drops to his knees, "I said we can't but I-God, I want to, Dean. I want to be with you so bad but I'm fucking scared. What if it ruins us, what if we hurt each other and we can't be brothers anymore, what if-?

Dean reaches out, puts a finger over his lips to silence him and it's an intimate touch, sudden and warm, and Sam's hushes, blown away by the love crashing through his heart-

"You said we can't, Sammy, and that's that. I'll abide by your decision." The tone is final, forever and Sam's heart rips just a little more, doesn't want this, wants Dean, so fucking bad-

Dean drops his hand and stands, side-steps him and goes into the bathroom, shutting him out as Sam watches sadly, knows that something's already been broken between them and there's nothing he can do to fix it.

##

##


	3. Chapter 3

##

Shit, he knew this would happen!

Knew if he ever let out what was in his heart that he'd lose Dean.

All because he couldn't keep this shit _in_, keep his fucking dirty thoughts to himself! Now, he's hurt Dean, watches the chasm between them widen every day, wrenching them apart until Dean is barely speaking and Sam's a bundle of nerves, jerking muscles and scattered tics.

See, the bitch is, now that Sam knows Dean's interested _like that_, it's all he can think about.

Goes back and forth with it, wrestles with his brain and his dick constantly, one minute gonna say 'fuck it' and dive in with both feet, jump on Dean and hold him down, fuck himself on that hard lump in his brother's pants, kiss those amazing lips and beg for every touch, every caress-

Then next he's running scared, knows Dean's just confused, knows he doesn't really want Sam, not the _oh, fuck, gonna die if he doesn't have him, _all-consuming need that eats at Sam endlessly and he knows if he gives in, lets them have this, Dean's gonna change his mind as soon as they fuck, as soon as the novelty is gone because that's how Dean is. He's always had the attention span of a six-year old and Sam's watched him all these years, knows it's all about variety with Dean, never wanting to be tied down, never the same woman twice.

Knows the only reason Dean's even wanting this is because he's had zero sleep for days and that's messing with his head, making him feel stuff he doesn't really feel, fooling Dean into believing he's in love with Sam, that he wants Sam, knows his brother doesn't really mean any of the shit he's been spouting and he's just mixed-up is all…

Not like Sam.

With Sam, it's bone-deep, a ravenous hunger that sucks his strength and makes him kitten-weak whenever Dean gives him that shit-eating grin, or drawls in the low commanding voice, the one that fills his heart with _home_ and _peace_ and _Dean_. He's wanted Dean since forever, lusted after his brother for years, his incredible smell and beautiful face, Dean's essence burned into his soul, precious and treasured but he's always managed to keep it down, ignore it and just go on, pretend like hell and Dean had never known, never suspected.

And he would've been fine, really, if Dean hadn't told him about those two guys, if he hadn't seen them for himself, the role-players that had played him and Dean, that had been gay, that had been totally happy with each other.

He could see him and Dean like that, just like that, and it chewed at him, the image of them in his minds' eye, holding each other-

Superimposed Dean's and his face on them, Dean's loving smile and caress, throwing an arm possessively over his shoulder, pressing himself up tight against Sam's back and announcing to the world that Dean loved Sam, that Dean fucked Sam hard and rough every single night and that they couldn't live without each other.

Even now, the thought of that makes him tremble because God, he wants that so _bad._

Can't let himself. Can't deal with what might come after.

Maybe Dean's right and the nightmares will stop if Sam lets them have this. But what if-

Shit, what if they do this, cross that line and make it physical, real and the nightmares do stop, what then?

Is Dean gonna lose interest, tire of him and get bored or shit, even worse, pity-fuck him because he's so goddamn needy?

He'd rather have none of Dean than just a ghost, a whisper of what life could be like.

Sam knows himself, once he gets a taste of Dean, gets the feel of him on his skin, it's gonna be all-consuming and Sam's never gonna be satisfied with bits and pieces again, gonna need_ all_ of Dean, every day, every night-

And if Dean doesn't want him, after the nightmares stop, it'll end him.

He can't take that chance, lay himself wide open and then have Dean refuse him, won't risk the hurt, the humiliation.

_Kinda like Dean did, told you how he felt, let you see everything and then you freaking said no, made him feel dirty for what YOU made him feel, left him feeling ashamed, disgraced and no wonder he couldn't face you. _

Sam knows how much it cost Dean to come back, knows how ashamed, how humiliated he was-

Came back for Sam, so Sam would be okay and it wasn't fair, Dean always putting Sam first, never taking for himself.

They can get past this, they can. Sam can forget Dean's mind-shattering kisses, _those sinfully delicious, erotic, make him blubber like an idio_t kisses that Dean laid on him, draining away his will and leaving him trembling with need. He can forget the hands, warm and close, wrapped around his face while Dean kissed the life out of him, plundering into his very soul with those soft lips, that incredible tongue-

And the naked love shining out of Dean's eyes when he'd look at Sam, terrifying and thrilling, draining away Sam's willpower and turning him into a steamy, blubbering mess.

He'll do that in a heartbeat, deny himself, if it will make Dean be his brother again. Tears sting at his eyes, unbidden, his throat closing over at the thought of this being their relationship from now on, Dean here physically but mentally, emotionally locked away, closed off from him, the animation, the beauty in that gorgeous face gone for good and no, just _NO_, goddamn it!

Has to get them back where they were before, he just _has _to.

Shit! This fucking sucks.

#

His nightmares get worse and he watches Dean grow more exhausted each day, knows he's up most of the night trying to help Sam and not touch him and the strain is wearing on both of them.

He's brushing his teeth, staring in the mirror at his own sunken eyes and drawn face and knows he's got to stop this shit soon or it's gonna kill them both-

So, that night, he cuts some rope and hands it to Dean, jerking his head towards the bed and nodding, "You gotta tie me down, Dean. We can't do this anymore."

And he lays down, watches as Dean ties his ankles to the legs of his bed, his brother's eyes firmly on his task, jaw gritted down fierce and he seems tense, rigid-

Dean circles to his head and Sam tries to catch his gaze, figure out what's going on with him but Dean won't engage, just grabs his wrist and twines the rope around and his brother seems okay up close but his breathing's funny, hitching and pulling in his chest and his cheeks are red, flushed.

"Dean? You okay?"

Dean shakes his head, keeps his eyes down, slips a finger under the rope to make sure it's not too tight and moves to the other wrist, words clipped out like they hurt his throat, "Don't think so."

But before Sam can question him further, he's got Sam's other hand tied and is growling out the order, "You need me for anything, you holler, Sam, got it?"

He nods wordlessly, making Dean look at him to see his answer and _fuck_, the look in Dean's eyes-

It's hot lust, glittering arousal and suddenly Sam gets it, the clenched breath, the flushed face, the gruff voice.

It's turning Dean on tying him up like this.

And Sam's instantly hard, the want slamming into him so fast, his head's spinning and _yes, fuck, yes_, this is what he wants too, wants to be at Dean's mercy, wants him in control and he squirms on the bed, his voice a pleading wreck, "Dean. Dean, please."

His brother's eyes go wide, haunted, knows Sam just saw everything on his face and the shame hits hard, colors his cheeks crimson and he drops his gaze, gives a pained sob, "God, Sammy, I'm-so fucking sorry, just can't- I mean, _look at you_, can't-can't take it, it's too much-"

And Dean bolts to the bathroom, slams the door shut behind him and leaves Sam panting on the bed, his raging hard-on fire in his pants.

A quiet moment later, he hears it, faint but there, the soft moans behind the closed door, the rhythmic slip-slaps of flesh on flesh, so low it's almost his imagination but the sounds grow louder with each second, faster now, slick and wet, and when he finally hears it, the muttered, drawn-out, "Fu-u-u-ck…" of Dean's orgasm, Sam's panting hot, almost dizzy with the images in his head.

He whimpers, bites his lip, wishing Dean had tied him face down so he could hump the mattress, try to get some relief for his aching dick-

The bathroom door opens abruptly and Dean is striding across the room fast, practically jumping into his own bed, not looking at Sam at all, clicking off the lamp and rolling over, his voice a low huff in the dark, "Night, Sammy."

He barely manages a whisper back, seeing Dean in his mind's eye, hand on his own dick, jerking and pulling until he's shooting out his load and damn-

Wants to touch Dean like that, wants to taste him, wants some more of his mind-blowing kisses.

Knows himself well enough to understand that he's cracking around the edges, his walls of right and wrong blurring, breaking down and he's not gonna be able to resist much longer.

And then he's gonna snap, jump on Dean and take what he wants, hold Dean down and have him finally, fucking finally.

And Dean's not gonna know what hit him.

#

Dean hears the moaning the second he opens his eyes, knows that's what pulled him from sleep and he rolls over, sees Sam twisting on the bed, writhing against his binds, hears the frantic whispers and wuffling sobs, closing his eyes against Sam's torment, can't watch it, so fucking tired of this every goddamn night-

And anger floods through, he's up before he knows it, across the room and into the bathroom, drenching washcloths in ice cold water, gonna wake Sam's ass up this time, gonna stop this right now!

Comes back out and sits on Sam's bed, starts washing his sweaty face with the cold water.

At his first touch, Sam jerks back, his words stuttering to a halt in his throat, his body stilling and Dean's reached him at some level, just gotta keep going-

"Sam, wake up!" And he's slapping at his face with one hand, drenching his hair with the other. He yanks up Sam's t-shirt and lays the sopping cold cloth over his chest, shaking him and hollering "Wake the fuck up, now!"

Sam's eyes pop open and he stares at Dean, dazed and unfocused at first but Dean sees it flow in, awareness and yes, thank Christ, he's awake, out of his nightmare.

"Dean?"

"You awake, Sammy? You know where you are, who I am?" Dean wants to be sure.

Sam nods, "Yes, I-was I having another nightmare?"

"Yeah, you were. Listen, Sam, I know what you said and I know you're right about us not being together. But you're still sick, you're still _suffering_ with this and that's not okay with me. So, I'm gonna take care of you tonight so you can get some sleep. And you're gonna let me."

"What-what are you gonna-"Sam's eyes are huge, scared.

And Dean moves down, unties Sam's ankles and slides his hands up, grabbing at Sam's pajama pants and pulling down.

Watches Sam's dick pop out, straining up into the air and hell, yeah, his brother not only goes commando, but he's also sporting one hell of an impressive hard-on.

Sam gasps as the air hits him, "Dean-"

He tosses Sam's pants over his shoulder, can't even believe he's gonna do this but Sam _needs_ it-

Holds himself back, doesn't matter what he says, Dean's not gonna touch his brother unless Sam says it's okay and he hears his own voice, hoarse and pleading, shaky ground and frantic effort, and he knows he's on the edge, about to lose control, "_Please_, Sammy. Please let me. Just this and no more, I swear. You –we can't keep this going, gotta do something, man."

Sam stares down at him, catching Dean's eyes over his rock-hard dick waving in the air between them, the heat in his gaze a pulsing thing, dark passion and frantic hunger, and the hiss of Sam's voice is Dean's undoing, breaks him so sweet, he almost sobs with it-

"Yes!" Sam's voice is shaky, stuttering, but there, damn it, real and giving permission, "Need-fuck, Dean, yeah. Do it. Need it,_ please_!"

The words slam into his brain, crushing his self-control and it snaps like a brittle nerve, his lust rolling and battering everything in its path, wiping out reason, free will and conscience and before he knows it, before he even realizes what he's gonna do, he's got a fist wrapped around Sam's cock, dragging up and down just like Sam loves-

Never done this with Sam awake and his wrist trembles, almost pulls away but then he tightens his jaw, grits down on his courage and shoves away his own fears because this is to help Sam and Dean doesn't matter now, it's only Sam, always Sam.

And his hand works the velvet flesh, sure touches, knows this body almost as well as his own by now, feels Sam's hips buck up, respond, Sam's gasps of pleasure filling his head, his heart with purring satisfaction because he did this, gave this to his brother.

"_OHMYGOD_, Dean, _Oh God_, feels so, ahhhh, good, yeah, jus-just like that, fuck, _yeah_-" Sam is crying out now, his voice low and desperate, lost in the sensations but he's still holding back, Dean can feel it, his body tense and rigid, won't let himself go, not completely-

And that pisses Dean off, grits down his determination and _damn it_, he's gonna make Sammy lose his mind if it's the last thing he does, gonna make damn sure Sam remembers _this!_

He locks eyes with his brother, bends his head and gives Sam's dick an experimental lick, one swirl around the tip before he pulls back, lets the taste fill him and _oh, fuck, yeah_, just as sweet as he knew Sam would taste.

Opens his mouth and goes for it, swallows Sam whole in one fell swoop, relaxing his throat, wants all of Sam's cock in his mouth, wants to taste every inch, savor every thrust.

Dimly hears Sam's yelp of surprise, the hot moan of lust and then Sam loses it-

"Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ!" Sam's hips start jerking, bucking into Dean's mouth, head thrashing back and forth and he can barely hold down the hot body under his hands, can barely keep his mouth on that sweet dick lengthening even more in his mouth.

Watches Sam as he starts bobbing his head up and down, letting his tongue circle and dance over the velvet flesh, humming in his throat with each deep plunge, letting the vibrations tickle while he's sucking hard-

And Sam's eyes clench shut, his fists are white-knuckled around the ropes holding him in place and his whole body is shaking and rocking, lost in the rushes crashing through, gasping out Dean's name over and over like a mantra and eventually just trailing away to hot groans and low keens.

Gets them into a sweet rhythm, letting his hand drag up and down in sync with his lips, jerking his brother off while he lovingly works with his mouth, letting his tongue play along the skin, in the tip where drops of sweet come taste like honey and the smell of Sam is everywhere, surrounding him.

Dean can feel the cock in his mouth grow even more as he hums and licks, knows Sammy's close and gives another swirling lick up the length, sucks hard on the tip and lets his tongue go, circling wild, playing on the sensitive underside.

Sam's hips start thrusting in earnest and he opens his eyes, locks on Dean and fuck, there's fire in that gaze, glittering sparks of hot yearning and Sam's stuttering hard, twisting his hips, "Y-you gotta s-stop, Dean, holy fuck, g-gonna come-"

Like hell, he's stopping. He's done the work and he's damn well gonna get his reward.

"Ahhhh, ahhhhh" Sam's back arches and Dean feels the pulse, the hot liquid hitting his tongue and it's bitter, thick and salty but there's a sweet trace, all Sam and Dean takes it all, swallow it down and keeps sucking, wants every drop Sam will give him.

"Dean, no-no more, please-" Sam's voice is weak, faint, his whole body trembling as the waves of orgasm roll through him and Dean lets the soft dick fall out of his mouth with a plop, nudging against it with his nose, breathing in Sam's scent.

Fuck, he loves this man. Wants to lose himself here, in the smell and the taste, wants to eat Sam alive, get him inside so they're one, whole, complete-

And he jerks backwards, shakes it off because what the fuck? He doesn't do whole and complete, he's Dean Winchester, love 'em and leave 'em and what the hell is he even thinking about?

But he knows, in his heart of hearts. He's thinking future and forever, the end of the hunt for them and just settling down, loving each other, having earned it-

And fuck! That can't happen! Has to stop his freaking traitorous thoughts, has to remember they're hunters, they have a job to do and they just can't stop.

Has to remember Sam doesn't want this. And that's the core of it right there. He'd say screw it to everything if his brother would just-

Bites his lip and firms his resolve. Not gonna happen, Sammy's not ever gonna let them so Dean just needs to deal with it and shut the fuck up about it.

He sits up and grabs Sam's pants off the floor, gets them back on his long legs, pulling up and nudging against Sam's ass, "Lift up, Sammy."

#

He does, mindlessly, breathless, bones liquid fire, can't barely lift his own body, his knees are freaking shaking so bad.

Can't believe Dean just did that, laid that incredibly awesome blow job on him, always dreamed of it and now-

His dreams never even came close.

Because the reality, the freaking feel of that ridiculously sensual mouth moving up and down, the hot tongue pulling sounds out of Sam he didn't even know he could make, and he's grasping at the memory, wants it branded into his soul, indelibly inked across his brain, the wet suction, the firm grip, the feeling of dying sweetly, of falling in and losing his mind, Dean shattering his control so _easy_-

Watches as Dean adjusts his pants and moves up, unties his wrists, staring down at Sam with dark, unreadable eyes, "Shouldn't need these now, Sammy, pressure's off and you shouldn't have any more nightmares tonight. I'll watch over you, make sure you're safe, like always."

Dean's hand hovers over his skin, rubbing the chafed flesh gently, the tender gaze that ghosts over his eyes makes Sam weak and shaky, knows how hard this was for Dean, to give this and not take. Sam knows he was full on whimpering like a girl, unable to do anything more than spread his legs wider for Dean and make sweet noises in his throat, and Dean could've fucked him easy, he was ready for it, open and so fucking in love with his brother, he'd have let Dean do anything at that point, given himself over totally and completely, with no regrets.

But Dean didn't. Nope, he'd pleasured Sam and denied himself and even now, he's turning his back, climbing into his own bed and he gruffs out a sentence, not giving away a fucking inch of how he's feeling, what he's feeling- "Goodnight, Sammy. You sleep now."

And the order reaches his ears, seems to sink right into his bones because suddenly, his eyelids refuse to stay open, his body relaxes into the warm bedding and he lets go, obeys Dean and slides down easy, right into sleep, barely able to mutter back before dreams claim him, loving his brother with every shred of his being, so safe, so loved, "Night, Dean. Love yo-"

And that's all he knows, slips into a deep sleep, and it's later, towards morning, that his dreams take on epic proportions and it's Dean's eyes, Dean's lips, all over his body, turning him on and making him moan with desire.

He comes in his sleep, shuddering through dream-Dean's mouth on his cock, working him up so good and he wakes up with a jolt of awareness, in the thralls of orgasm, huffing out nonsense words, his pants of "Oooooh, fuck, ohhhhh, Dean" filling the air and his pajamas are wet with his slick, hips still moving as his balls twitch and spurt out the dregs, knows he cried out his stupid brother's name, _knows_ it-

Drags his eyes fearfully over to the next bed, hoping like hell Dean's asleep but no.

Sees Dean's gaze glittering back, the hot spark in them filling his insides with promises, with forever and Dean's voice, when it comes, is hoarse, used and wrecked, "You okay?"

And Sam knows his brother saw everything.

Saw Sam fucking the air, heard Dean's name on his lips, watched it all and yet, his voice is still love, still there, his brother, his Dean-

His voice, when it comes, is broken, a hushed plea, "No, not okay. Jesus Christ, I wish-I just, just once, you know? Know we can't but, fuck, it's hard."

And he's up, off the bed and lunging towards the bathroom before he lets himself do what he really wants to do-

Which is fall to his knees and beg Dean to take him hard, against his will, so they can have this and he doesn't have the option of refusal, can get this freaking weight off his shoulders. Knows Dean will, if he asks him to.

It's taking all his will power to not ask him to.

#

That night, at the bar and grill, the buffalo wings are spicy good, the beers cold and delicious but of course, there's a pretty little gal behind the counter who flirts with Dean the whole time and Sam's used to it, he is, but for some reason tonight, it's hitting him wrong, pissing him off because Dean's got his stupid 'aw shuck's, ma am' grin on his face, like this hasn't happened to him thousands of times before, like he's clueless and the chick is falling for it, so hard that it's nauseating.

The anger in the pit of his gut is roiling hard, gotta get out of here soon because he does not want to _see_ this shit tonight!

The third time Dean gives a sexual innuendo and the girl titters inanely, Sam's had enough. Slaps his hands down on the table hard and at the look Dean jerks at him, holds out one, barks out, "Keys."

"Sammy, what-?"

"I said keys, Dean. I'm going back to the motel." He gives the waitress a meaningful look, "You can find your own way back, I'm sure."

Dean studies his face, purses his lips and starts to spit out a comment but stops himself, reaches in his pocket and wordlessly hands Sam the keys.

He's out of his chair instantly, across the diner in three long strides and out the door, not looking back. His shoulders are tensed up around his ears, the knot in his stomach twists and burns, he's got a pounding headache and does his brother even give a shit?

Hell, no because it's all about Dean's dick and the flavor of the moment.

Knew Dean would do this, all his shit talk about how much he loved Sam and wanted him and then it changes in a heartbeat, soon as a pretty girl catches his eye. Fuck, Sam is so glad he never let them cross the line any further, so glad he never revealed how much he loved Dean because now he can swallow it back down, push it away and they can go back to being just brothers again, none of the other fucking shit between them anymore.

In a way, it's a relief to have it over, maybe now life can get back to normal, as normal as their life ever is, that is.

#

He's at the table, laptop humming in front of him, when Dean slams in a half hour later, kicks the door shut behind him and stands there, hands on hips, scowling at him fierce, "Sammy, what the hell, man?"

He glances up at Dean and then back to his computer, ignoring his stupid horny-ass brother that has to fuck anything that moves.

"Sam!" Dean thumps down the cover of his laptop, "Look at me, damn it!"

Sam presses his lips together and folds his hands on the table in front of him, rolling his eyes at his brother before setting his shoulders in a rigid line and staring at him exaggeratedly, unblinking, "Okay, I'm looking at you. What do you want?"

Dean flushes, an angry glint in his eye, "I want to know what that little scene was back at the restaurant! You made me walk back here, man. If you got something to say to me, just man up and fucking say it, Sam. Don't be giving me this bitch face and this freaking attitude because right now, I just want to fucking punch you, asshole."

"Jeez, thought you _loved _me, Dean. Isn't that what you've been saying? And now you want to punch me." And he mimics Dean's drawl, "Want you so bad, Sammy, can't live without this….what a fucking bunch of crap, man. The only thing you want is to get your dick off and nothing else matters to you."

Dean stares at him like he's sprouted horns and wings, like he can't believe what Sam's saying, "You-you're pissed because I was flirting with that girl? Is that what this is about?"

Sam isn't gonna give an inch, "You can do whatever the fuck you want, Dean. I don't really care anymore. "

And he's done, not gonna say another fucking word, grits his jaw to keep in the shit rolling around in his brain and before he knows it, it bursts out of him, raw and terrible, "You're a goddamn liar! Telling me all that shit, making me believe you actually had feelings for me and then, right in front of me, jerk, slapping me in the face with how _little _you do feel for me and you know what? You can have her, Dean. You can have all the sluts you want and Jesus, am I ever glad I didn't let this thing between us go further! Now I know what really matters to you and it's what I've always known, just lost sight of it for a while and I guess I should be grateful to you, for showing me your true colors,_ again_. Glad I saw the way things really are and it doesn't hurt at all, asshole, you hear me? I'm happy I saw that shit tonight because now I know what's real."

And he doesn't even see Dean move but suddenly, he's being yanked up, spun around and his back slams into the wall, knocks the breath out of him and he's staring down into Dean's pinched face, eyes sparking with rage, and something else, something dark and hungry-

Dean's got his shoulders pinned, holding Sam in place by brute strength and there's a part of him that's responding to the rough treatment, to the manhandling, it flickers a hot flare of something dirty and slick in his brain-

Dean bares his teeth, leans in close, "Now, you better just shut that fucking mouth and listen to me for a minute. You're the one who called a halt to this, said we couldn't, remember? I didn't do anything wrong back there, I was only flirting, trying to get a free piece of pie out of her, for fuck's sake, not get laid and then you get all bitchy and jealous, stomp away like a possessive girlfriend and then you call me a liar, act like I'm the frigging scum of the earth, have the balls to tell me how I'm feeling-"

And then Dean's body is pressing his flush against the wall, his cock rock-hard against Sam's and the fingers on his shoulders dig in, holding him in place while Dean gets closer, mouth right up against Sam's ear, hot breath tingling over him, "I love _you_. Only you and you are fucking pushing me so hard right now and I'm warning you, Sammy, you better stop. I'm just a man and I can only take so much of this shit, been holding myself back for you, because _you_ didn't want this and now you're sending out all these mixed signals and I'm-"

Dean sucks in his breath and Sam can feel him trembling, fighting for control and he does it, starts to push more, wants Dean to lose it, wants his choice taken from him. Tilts his head away and darts his eyes to Dean's, sees the dangerous glint there and throws caution to the wind, "You're what, Dean? What are you gonna do?"

Dean dips his head into Sam's exposed neck and nips, letting his teeth scrape across and making Sam just about jump out of his skin, the low growl turning him kitten weak, knees knocking because his neck is goddamn sensitive and Dean's mouth is doing delicious things there, "I'm about ready to say fuck it, Sammy and _show_ you how it is with me and to hell with what you _say_ you want, gonna give you what you need, take you hard, right here, and make you want it."

Sam can barely breathe, Dean's words filling him with _want _and _please _and _now, _can't resist that tantalizing voice vibrating against his flesh, but he can't give in, keeps his anger close, lets it fuel him, needs it to hold him back, reign in his stupid feelings that even now are raging in his brain, God, wants Dean so _bad_- "You can talk all you want, jerk, it's what you do that matters and I _know_ you, asshole, watched you all these years, same shit, every single fucking day. You gotta have every chick, gotta fuck as many of them as possible, it's like a challenge for you and you don't care if you even know their name, you just want to get your rocks off, use them and leave. It's never personal for you, never means shit, it's just you, how you are and I forgot that, let myself believe what you said but then today, saw you, just like always and I should have fucking known it was all a lie."

And his words are cut off at Dean's angry curse, the hot mouth crashing down on his a surprise, pushing into him, tongue punishing and cruel, taking him hard, warring with his in Sam's mouth, teeth clacking rough and strong hands are wrapped around his head, holding him like a vice, while a firm thigh down below shoves his legs apart, grinds up under his balls, making him twist at the friction, cry out into Dean's mouth at the freaking pressure, the goddamn heat that flares up from down below, turning him into a blithering idiot in seconds.

He fights back, tries to twist his head away, get his hands between them so he can shove Dean off.

He's jerked away from the wall, the room a dizzying slide as he's swung around, thrown down and the soft mattress is underneath him, Dean's hard body on top, holding him in place and he can't breathe with the emotions rushing through him, it's tearing through his gut, turning him stupid and freezing him in place, loves this, all of this, Dean mindlessly driven to prove his point, to show his love-

And fuck, Sam wants this more than anything.

"Gonna show you what the fuck's what right now, Sam! Fucking accusing me, telling me what my goddamn feelings are, who the hell you think you're talking to, man?" His flannel shirt is ripped open, jerked off and his t-shirt follows, and why the hell isn't he even fighting this, why is he just lying here, letting Dean manhandle him, staring up at his brother's determined face and trembling at the possessive, feral look in Dean's eyes.

"Calling me a liar? You're the one who's fucking lying, Sammy, to yourself!" And Dean makes a small choked noise in his throat as he looks down at Sam's chest, his breath catching in his throat, and Sam watches his hands clench on his thighs for a moment and then relax.

Dean's voice is rough, broken, "You-you're killing me here, man, it's-too much now, can't-can't-ah, fuck it!"

And he lowers his head over one of Sam's nipples, rubbing his lips across gently before licking, the soft tongue shooting flames through Sam's entire body from just that one touch, leaving Sam jerking back, gasping for more, gonna start begging soon if Dean doesn't get the fuck on with it.

The bite is sharp and bright, and fuck, that's nice! He arches up into Dean's mouth, needs more of that pain mixed with pleasure, can't believe how his nipple is coursing hot desire through the rest of his body, his entire flesh hotwired and in tune to that one small spot.

Dean licks, swirls his tongue around and bites again, moves up fast and takes Sam's mouth before the moan of pain even leaves his throat.

Sits up and stares down at Sam, reaches out, pinching and rolling the nipple in his fingers, watching Sam's reaction-

And the electric pulses shooting through him with every tug, with every twist of nub are making him crazy, driving him to the edge and he can feel Dean's eyes, seeing his every reaction, wants to hide, goddamn it, doesn't _want_ to be wide open and so fucking hungry for this.

"Tell me you want it, Sammy. Tell me you need this, just like I do." Dean's voice is hoarse, low and pleading, his fingers going to the other nipple and tweaking hard, circling rough, making Sam cry out at the rush of pleasure, never knew his nipples were so sensitive.

"No, NO, can't-can't want this-" He's muttering, not even aware of what the hell he's saying, body curving into Dean's touch even as he denies-

"Fuck you, Sam! You want this, I know you do! Son of a bitch, you're a hard headed bastard!" And Dean's hand slides down, unbuttons his jeans, "You're gonna admit this…" and gives the zipper a slow tug, letting Sam hear every click, "that you want this, even if it takes me all night…" and suddenly his pants are jerked down his hips, yanked off and tossed, leaving him naked and panting, wide open and exposed, his hard-on saying loud and clear what his mouth can't.

And Dean looks down and grins, "Well now, look at that. Seems like your dick is pretty on board, huh?"

A warm hand wraps around him, gives a slow pull up and _Jesus_, that feels good, Dean's hand tight and perfect around him and he clenches his fists, tries to hang on to his control, but it's spiraling fast, not gonna be able to keep it in much longer-

Dean drags his dick up and down again, making Sam bite back whimpers and then he looks up, catches Sam's eyes and the look there is pure love, fierce and powerful and they study each other, the smile on Dean's face falling away and he looks lost, child-like and vulnerable, his voice a hushed whisper, "Please, Sam, just-_please_."

And it's that small pleading voice that does it, breaks him, shatters his defenses and he can't keep it in any longer, consequences be damned because he needs this, they need this, and he's gonna let himself have it, just this once.

"Yes, God, yes…" and he reaches up, cuffs Dean around the neck and pulls him down, wanting that mouth on his, wanting him close, "Want you too, want this, always have, I-God, Dean-"

And Dean's mouth is right there, hot and sweet, tongue sliding in and curling around his and he's drowning, the hot flicks of lust jerking through him in time with Dean's twisting tongue and Sam lets go, surrenders and opens up, lets Dean have him, all of him, for the first time, holds nothing back.

He's moaning, falling in deeper, wants to die here, right here, with Dean's tongue on his, with this wild heat that rages through him every time they kiss and he's suddenly frantic, needs more, needs all of Dean.

Presses in more, hooking his hand around Dean's head, feeling the answering groan when he slides his other hand down, squeezes Dean's ass and pulls him closer.

Dean breaks the kiss, staring down at him with wide eyes, his cheeks flushed with passion, his full lips swollen and wet and he's never looked more beautiful to Sam, "Jesus, Sam, you're a good kisser."

Sam leans up and presses in another kiss, whispers hotly, "Just thinking the same thing about you." And he gives a tug on Dean's shirt, "Need this off-"

And Dean sits up, eyes glued to Sam's face, "You-you're sure, Sammy? 'Cause this is it, no going back once we do this. Need to make sure you understand what's going on here."

"Pretty sure I've got a good idea, Dean." Sam can't help it, gives a laugh because what the hell is Dean talking about.

But when Dean leans down, his eyes a serious burn, his jaw a firm grit, Sam's humor flies right out the window and he can barely breathe with the images Dean's words are drawing in his head, "No, I don't think you do. See, I'm gonna make love to you, Sammy, right now, gonna taste you everywhere, gonna show you how much I love you, wanna blow your goddamn mind and make you scream for me, have you at my mercy, take you every way I've been dreaming about and when I'm done, you won't ever question my feelings again, you understand? You're gonna know exactly your place in my life and there aren't gonna be any more doubts or fears, just truth, only truth between us."

Dean leans in, captures Sam's bottom lip and tugs it forward, biting down hard, making Sam whimper in pain, "And you're gonna be mine then, for good, for keeps. So you better be damn sure about this."

And there's a pulse of silence, Dean waiting tense, ready to pull away if Sam changes his mind-

Sam pulls in a deep breath, gotta be honest with himself, there's still a huge honking part of him that's scared as hell, knows this is wrong but there's no way they can go back now, gotta finish this, see it through and deal with the aftermath later, knows there's gonna be guilt and anger, mostly at himself but that's tomorrow.

Can't stop now, not when he's got Dean's warm weight holding him down, everything he's ever wanted, his for the taking and he opens his mouth to say a resounding _Hell, yes _but his voice comes out small and shaky, breathy and afraid, "I-, hell, _no_, I'm not sure, Dean. Not sure about any of this, I just-want you, so fucking bad I can't see straight and it's not gonna stop until we do this."

Dean draws back at his words, wavers, shakes his head and starts to pull away, slide off the bed and _oh, hell, no, that's so not gonna happen-_

Sam sits up fast, grabs Dean and pulls him close, bumping and rubbing the familiar face with his own, letting his lips ghost over the warm mouth, knows Dean's gonna pull back, call a halt, knows he's only got a few seconds and he starts begging, can't let Dean go, can't let this go, "Please, Dean, nothing else matters right now, just this, need this, need you…_please_! Don't leave me here, have to finish this, want to _know_ you, just once, please!"

Feels tears start burning at his eyes because Dean's gonna leave, gonna make them stop-

But the soothing sounds that surround him are full of love, and the hands that stroke up and down his back are gentle, sensual, and the soft kiss pressed into his mouth is a promise-

The lights in Dean's eyes are glittering with hot fire as he leans back, tugs his shirt off and throws it aside, hauling his brother in for another bone-wrenching kiss, "Shhh, Sammy, not going anywhere. Gonna take care of you, like always. Gonna let us both have this, just once."

And he gives Sam a slow sexy grin, pushing him back down onto the bed while his eyes roam over the naked flesh trembling under him, "Better hold on, Sammy 'cause this is gonna be a wild ride."

##


	4. Chapter 4

##

Dean slides off the bed, slow and easy, lets his hand roll down his chest, over his stomach in a sensual caress, starts playing with the snap of his jeans and Sam's eyes watch every move, every touch.

Dean looks down at himself and then up at Sam, making sure he's got Sam's attention, _like he'd be looking anywhere else right now_, and he gazes, dry-mouthed, as his brother's fingers work the button on the denim, unhooking it slowly. The zipper comes next, the hiss of metal a shiver down Sam's spine, and Dean's eyes catch his, watching his reactions and fuck, Sam can barely swallow over the thick knot in his throat because his brother is so fucking _beautiful._ His heart's crashing hard against his ribs, a trickle of sweat's rolling down his back as Dean pushes his jeans down his thighs, lets them fall to the floor, thumbing at the waistband of his shorts teasingly.

Sam's breath is caught, wedged in his chest and the air is heavy, pressing down on him, all sound sucked out of the room as he waits, trembling with anticipation, gonna freaking see his brother, _all of him_, for the first time since they were kids…

Fuck, that's right.

The memory rises up, a sharp ache in his heart, doesn't even know how the hell he ever _forgot_-

Dean had stopped being naked in front of Sam right after that trucker, right after their shared shower, just stopped, went from walking around free and easy to uptight, closed off and he'd felt it immediately, the withdrawal, the separation. Had no freaking clue _why_, always wondered if it was because Dean was angry with him, had stopped loving him because he'd let someone else touch him.

And it's out of his mouth before he can stop it, honest puzzlement and a deep hurt he didn't even know he still had inside-

"You thought I was dirty, didn't you?" His voice is a shaky whisper, "After-after that asshole truck driver grabbed me, after the shower, you-something happened. Something changed because you always used to walk around naked or damn near and then, after that, you just-stopped, always made sure you were covered up tight around me, even in the hot summer, you-never relaxed around me again and it made me feel…like I disgusted you, had disappointed you, because I didn't shove the jerk away sooner."

And Dean's breath catches in his throat, the stunned look that washes over his face has Sam's eyes stinging with long-buried tears, the harsh memory flooding through, still clenches at his gut, truth be told, the feelings of bewilderment, floundering, just trying to understand what the fuck had happened to change things between them.

He had fallen in love with his brother that day and Dean had pulled away, faster than he could blink, couldn't have known what Sam was feeling and yet-

Had barely touched him after that, for years, just did his duty, took care of Sam but a part of Dean was gone from him, buried under layers of clothing, behind closed, locked doors and he had ached for that piece, for the closeness and pure love they'd once had.

He shakes his head, eyes locked on Dean's and repeats it, makes it real so he won't ever forget it again, "Like I disgusted you."

"_NO!_ No, no, no, Sammy, you got it wrong, all wrong, I never- Holy fuck." Dean's hands are on him, gripping tight enough to bruise, green eyes pinning Sam in place, make his breath stutter and stop because of the desperation swirling there, the words choked out in a rush, "Never,_ never_ thought you were dirty or disgusting, why the hell would you even-? _Told_ you, you're beautiful, perfect, always thought that, always will 'till the day I die, you-it's always been you, Sam and I'm so fucking sorry you ever thought-" Dean's voice trails off and he bumps his face against Sam's, chokes out a noise like he wants to say more but can't find the words.

Sam gestures helplessly between them, a child's hurt, old and longing, "Then, why? You-you just _stopped_, pulled away and it- hurt, man, a lot, thought you'd figured out how I felt and you were saying no, only way you could."

Dean pulls away, bites his lip, shakes his head in earnest, "Didn't-didn't know at all, it was-shit, told you, don't remember much about the shower, just later, watching you sleep but it was in my freaking head, Sammy, had this picture of you, glistening wet, your head thrown back, eyes closed and you were just _letting_ me do whatever I wanted to you and it-"

And Dean looks ashamed, shoulders slumping as he admits the truth, "Fuck, it turned me _on, _so much I just-gave me a hard-on every time I was around you, didn't know what the fuck to do about it, freaked me out, feeling that way about my _brother_-kept trying to tell myself it was hormones and perfectly normal, but I knew it wasn't, knew I was a sick fuck and I needed to keep away from you. Sure the hell couldn't let you _see _that shit, so fucking scared of you finding out, did the only thing I could, covered up, kept my dick as far away from you as possible and eventually, it dimmed, that picture in my head, and I pushed it back, made myself forget but it was habit by then, changing in the bathroom, wearing clothes around you, didn't think you even noticed. Never meant to hurt you, Sammy, just-just did what I had to, couldn't let you see_, _thought you'd get scared, if you knew, run away from me."

Doesn't even know he's crying until Dean reaches out, rubs the tears away with his thumb, "Please, Sam, please, don't ever think that again, I love you and I've never been disgusted by you, never! I-you take my breath away, man, you're so incredible, so stunning. My Sammy, mine, not gonna share you ever, can't, just…beautiful, perfect."

And the relief that washes over him is a tidal wave, crashing into the hurt and breaking it up in the surf, cleansing and healing, and he nods, huffs in a freeing breath and sweeps his eyes down Dean's body, aching for what's been denied to him all these years, "Then show me, Dean. Want to see you, all of you, _need_ to."

Dean searches his face, gives a nod at the yearning in his eyes and steps back, hooks his thumbs under his shorts and pulls them down fast, no fanfare, no teasing, just letting Sam have what he needs.

And the huge cock is swollen, tip pink and gorgeous, waving and bobbing in the air, the head beautifully slick, leaving Sam gasping as he watches Dean kick off his underwear, thrust his hips forward and stand, hands curling around his waist, letting Sam see.

And holy fuck, his brother is _hung_, velvet soft, long and thick, the drop of shimmery wet on the tip glistening in the light and Sam swallows hard at the sight, needs to steal a taste, just once.

Reaches out without thought, lets a fingertip trail over the slit, steal the pearl away and he stares at it for a moment, wrestling with himself and finally, with a whimper of need, he slips it into his mouth, lets the taste of his brother fill him-

It's sharp tang, salt and honey, dark and sweet, Dean's sweat and scent mixed in and it's decadent, guilty pleasure and secret sin and he moans low in his throat, wants more.

"Jesus, Sammy." Dimly hears Dean's hot whisper but he can't help himself,_ has_ to-

Drops to his knees without thought, blinks up at his brother with a shrug of apology and wraps his hand around the thick base, opens his mouth and dives in, swallowing Dean's cock in one swoop, pure lust shooting through his brain, has to have this man, has to find the source of that flavor, knows if he can take Dean deep enough, suck hard enough, he can pinpoint the succulence, revel in it, drown in it.

His jaw is stretched wide as he tries to take all of Dean in, heaven on his tongue, delectable, bittersweet and he swallows around the fullness, lets the savor flood through him and his hands are on Dean's hips, gripping tight, and suddenly, he can't get enough, ravenous for more.

Sucks hard, tongue dancing wildly around the satin skin, never done this before but it's love, it's Dean and he's swallowing down each delicious drop he can wrench out of his feast, hears the gasps and yelps of pleasure from above but it's beyond him now, the need, has to get to the essence, to the core of this incredible taste.

"Sammy, wait, don't-don't want to come yet, ahhhhh, fuck! Jesus, man, your fucking_ mouth_, just stop, please, just want-want to, God, Sammy, please!" Dean's got his hands fisted in Sam's hair, tugging wild, almost sobbing, trying to hold back his orgasm even as his hips are bucking into Sam's mouth, brain and dick at war with each other.

But Sam can't stop, needs to finish this, mumbles raggedly against the hot dick filling his throat, "Want to taste you, Dean, fill me up, want to choke on you,_ please_-" Sam's words are thick, garbled, "I can get you hard again, know I can, just, need this, Dean, please. Want you to fuck my mouth, feel you come down my throat, wanna swallow every drop-"

"Jesus Christ, Sam!" Dean breaks, whines with pleasure and begins thrusting in earnest, fingers in Sam's hair digging in and holding on, gripping tight and each deep shove is rough, possessive.

Sam moans, takes it all eagerly, meets Dean right there, widening his mouth and relaxing his throat so Dean can use him as hard as he wants, loves this, all of this, needs Dean to finish, quench the thirst in Sam's soul for this, one dream finally sated, fulfilled.

Feels the pulse, the hot quiver against his tongue as Dean goes rigid, body tremors rocking through, a gruff bark of pleasure ripping from Dean's throat as the first spurts of warmth hit the back of Sam's throat, trickle over his tongue and he battens down, sucks harder, wants every taste that's teased at him, musky spice and sweet nectar, and suddenly his mouth is full of Dean's seed, overflowing and his brother just keeps pumping, filling him.

Some spills out, dribbles down his chin and he's swallowing fast, trying to take it all.

"Ahhhh, Ahhhh, Fuck!" Dean is still thrusting, lost in the orgasm, ass cheeks clenching as he drives his cock deep into Sam's throat, gives him every drop, every delicious taste.

The harsh moans trail away to gasps as Dean hangs onto Sam's head for dear life, trying to recover, whole body trembling from the rushes still racking through and he's panting, almost whimpering, "Holy hell, Sammy, that was, unnnhh, fucking awesome, man! Get, ohhhhh, get up here."

Sam is licking away every trace of come he can find, letting his tongue stroke over the sensitive tip and making Dean's hips rock in with each swipe and he's suddenly hauled up, finds himself on the receiving end of the world's most incredible, soul-stealing, mind-blowing, blistering kiss, he's ever received, hot need and tortured breath, and Dean's holding him _right there-_

Won't let him escape while he takes his mouth so good, the erotic swirl of tongue making Sam dizzy, tries to hang onto his equilibrium, but he's drowning sweetly, overwhelmed at the jolts of hot fire sizzling through his body, at his own pathetic need to let Dean have everything, all that he is.

Dean breaks the scorching kiss, stares at him with such a look of adoration that Sam drops his eyes, can't gaze into those eyes for very long because he's not worthy, never has been worthy of his brother's pure love but he's damn grateful Dean doesn't know that.

And he's yanked forward, a warm hand curled around his wrist, can't barely think from that kiss and lets himself be pushed and tugged, only managing one question before his mouth is taken in another hot kiss, "Where?"

Dean takes his time, swirling against his tongue until Sam moans low in his throat, lets his body relax and wraps a hand around Dean's neck, hooking him closer. Dean breaks the kiss and whispers the words against his lips, kicking Sam's heart rate to the roof, "Gonna make you fall in love with me all over again, Sammy."

#

The water is relaxing hot, loosening the tension in his shoulders, steam filling the air and Dean is there, close and warm, washing him gently, the soft sponge along his shoulder drawing circles, the love in his brother's eyes making him weak in the knees, the words trembling through his soul, filling his heart in ways he didn't even know he needed, and he almost sobs with it, so in love with Dean that it rips at him, burns into him, pure and sweet, never knew he could feel this way.

Dean's voice is hoarse with emotion, the tremor in it almost painful, hurts Sam to hear because he knows Dean's baring himself completely, knows how hard it is for Dean to let Sam see him like this, especially in the wake of the first time Dean shared his feelings and Sam acted like a jerk, shutting him down, making his brother feel ashamed and he's just so damn grateful that he's been given a second chance at this.

"When you first started with the nightmares, and I heard you talking about a 'him', someone that you cared about, that you wanted enough to dream about, I-I was so fucking_ jealous_, Sam, I could barely see straight. I mean, you don't _do_ one night stands or casual, nope, you always get in deep, give everything you have to it, and it freaking hurt like hell that you felt that way about another man, Sammy, and not me." Dean scrubs over his skin gently as he talks, washing his arm and hand, lovingly stroking each finger before moving back up, across his chest, the sponge first teasing over one nipple and then the other.

Doesn't seem to be aware he's doing it, but to Sam it's spikes of pleasure tingling through his loins, jacks his breathing up to gasping, feels so freaking good.

His nipples have always been over sensitive and Dean somehow knows that, moving the sponge over to his other shoulder but those damn talented fingers still stroke a taut nub, playing and pinching gently, turning him on so _good._

Dimly hears Dean still talking, tries to focus-

"Kept thinking that he didn't deserve you, that if he made you so scared, he was an asshole who didn't know a good thing when he had it. Wasn't gonna let you go be with him, ever, especially after you and me…"

Dean takes his hand, kisses each fingertip before he rolls the sponge over them, washes them lovingly, still telling Sam everything in his heart, "After you kissed me, after I touched you, I knew if he ever came for you, I'd beat his ass down and make damn sure he never showed his face around you again. But then…fuck, Sammy, you stared right at _me_, told me you wanted 'him' but I knew then, it was my touch you craved, my hand on your dick, my body covering yours. When I finally figured out it was me, I-just so fucking happy, you know? And then, when I told you about what we were doing, you-shit, Sam, I know why you cut us off, broke this, but it cut my fucking heart out, man, went from flying high to slammed into the ground in seconds. But now-"

He washes over Sam's back in a slow arc, staring at Sam's mouth as he talks, "Now, I get to have this, fucking finally, and just love you so damn much, Sammy."

Dean squeezes the sponge, letting the bubbles flow down Sam's back to his ass, reaches around with his other hand and cups one of Sam's cheeks, pulls it open-

The rough edge of the sponge rubs across his hole, stiffening his back with arousal, because _goddamn, just fucking goddamn,_ he's so worked up, it's starting to shatter him, Dean's hands on him, touching him intimately, and God, he wants more, so much fucking more.

Dean's mouth covers his suddenly, sweet fire and dark lust, his brother's lips soft and heady, hand sliding into Sam's hair, wrenching his head to the side so Dean can open him properly, kiss him thoroughly, no tongue yet but the drag of mouth on mouth, the shivery promise of something more shoots him to the moon and back, bucks his hips in, so fucking aroused he can't even think!

When Dean finally pushes him open, thrusts in with his tongue, dominating, taking control, Sam lets him, knows this is where he belongs, under his big brother's touch.

The sponge has circled back to the front, rubbing figure eights over his belly, sliding lower and he jerks back when Dean's hand curls around his dick, but Dean follows his mouth, hangs on to the kiss and won't let him free, won't let him breath as those wonderful fingers drag up and down his length, leaving him a stuttering mess.

Could cheerfully die, right here, right now and want for nothing more.

Isn't ready for the thick finger that pushes in, nudging past his tight entrance and sliding in, easy and slow, the tip darting around, searching-

And _Holy jumped up Jesus Palomina_!

Damn near jumps out of his skin because Dean's finger is pressing on this spot inside him that's electric, jagged sparks of pleasure soaring through every nerve, making his dick rock hard in seconds and the other hand takes advantage, jerks him rough, steady until he's on his tiptoes, trying to get a grip on the slippery tiles to hold himself down, to ground him to anything other than the surges of delight rocking through his body.

Dean finally lets go of his mouth, just enough to see his face, to watch his reactions, and Sam sees the dark fire surging through his brother's eyes, the hot passion and he's suddenly pulling out of Sam's grasping hole, releasing his dick and shutting off the water, grabbing a towel with jerky movements-

"Shit, Sammy, fuck, can't wait any longer, gotta _have you_, right the fuck now-"

And he's dragged out of the shower, dried rough, skin still damp and pink when Dean's hauling him towards the beds, shoving him down, Dean's body still glistening wet, drops trickling down and God, Sam wants to lick him dry, let his tongue slide along that tan skin, that hard chest, can't believe how goddamn beautiful his brother is.

#

He's flat on his back, the mattress soft underneath and Dean is above him, staring down at him with hooded eyes, the lust in them intense, glittering hunger and it's scary, almost, how much his brother wants him-

Not scary enough for Sam to stop this, however.

Dean leans down, kisses him gently, chaste and almost meek, goes to pull back but Sam needs more, not gonna be satisfied with little pecks.

Cups his hand around Dean's head and pulls down, presses in, urges Dean open and slides in with his tongue, needs to taste.

Dean gives a moan of pleasure and meets him eagerly, letting his own tongue dance over Sam's, and they tangle and sway, push and suck, the kiss deepening, becoming _more_, possessive and grasping, one goal, one mind-

To get as close to each other as humanly possible, lock souls.

When Dean breaks the kiss, his eyes are half-lidded, staring at Sam's mouth like it's ambrosia, "So fucking sweet, Sammy, can't get enough of you."

And he's back, takes Sam's mouth harder, almost rough, pushing in and holding him there, with his tongue, with his lips, fucking into his mouth, and when Sam tries to pull away, take a breath, Dean gives a growl of need and forces him to stay, fingers tangled in his long hair, hanging on tight.

And he's getting the bejesus kissed out of him, falling into the downy soft of pleasure, flames of raw passion flickering and growing, becoming an inferno and he's shaking hard, dick twitching, wanting to explode and how the fuck is that even possible that he's so turned on from just Dean's tongue, Dean's lips, everywhere, filling him, surrounding him, taking him hot and wanton.

Fuck, Dean's a good kisser, makes Sam quiver and tremble like a fucking teenager getting his first blowjob and he's slipping on the precipice, falling, falling so hard, no handholds to stop his downward slide, knows he's gonna lose it soon-

Knows he's gonna start begging.

And all it takes is one swipe of Dean's fingertip over his tight nipple and something snaps, he can fucking hear it, a bone of stubbornness, of fear, breaks so damn good and he can't help it, can't hold back-

Shows Dean all of it, everything inside of him and damn, not good, so not good, can't hide anymore.

Pushes Dean away, starts babbling stupid, bares himself, wide-open and exposed, knows Dean can kick him, take him down if he wants because he's broken now, can't stop any of the words flooding out of his mouth-

"Dean, God, you don't-you don't even know, man, it's here, right here, freaking hole in my heart that's so deep, so fucking wide and nothing can fill it but you. You-everything, man, just everything that ever mattered in my life, you-you're home, you're love, you're just-God, I love you so fucking much and I'm such a fuck-up, you know? Always disappointing you, don't deserve to have this from you, know I don't, always letting you down, you-you deserve so much better than me."

"Stop it!" The growl cuts him off, the hand that slaps over his mouth a tight clench, stopping the flood of words Sam's spilling out into the air between them and he can only bleat out soft whimpers now, needs to have Dean's forgiveness, can't take this pure love from his brother unless he's paid enough, needs to make things right between them, needs Dean to know how much he means, how much Sam loves, even though he never fucking _shows_ Dean how he feels, how grateful, how humbled, he just wants, for once, to make sure Dean knows it, all of it, everything in his heart.

But Dean is scowling down at him, lips stretched tight in a fine line, chin set with temper, "Now you listen to me, Sam, and listen good, because I don't ever want to hear that fucking shit out of your mouth again!" Dean's voice is angry, gruff and so goddamn deep, it stirs something in Sam's soul, it's been his protector his whole life, that voice, keeping him in line, making him behave, follow orders even when Sam fought against him and now, all he wants is that deep voice all over him, surrounding him with _safe_, with _home_.

Dean's green eyes are snapping fierce, "You have never been a fuck up! We both had our share of disappointing each other but it doesn't matter, letting each other down doesn't matter because we're always gonna have each other's back, always gonna fight to keep this! This-this is worth fighting for, _you_ are worth fighting for and don't you ever forget it! There is no one better for me than you. _You're_ everything, Sammy. Always have been, always will be. Best I could ever have."

He jerks his hand away, leaves Sam's mouth still smarting from the bruise of fingertips and Dean is staring at the marks he left, his eyes darkening as Sam swipes his tongue over his swollen lips, sucks in a shaky breath-

And when Dean bends, presses in soft kisses, Sam feels the tears burning at the back of his eyes, the tender after the rough almost too much and he's blinking fast, gritting his jaw to keep them at bay. Dean pulls back, stares into him, love flaring up in his eyes as he breathes out the words, "You get it yet? How it is with me? Fucking head over heels for you, jerk, so just stop, Sammy, stop with the whole 'I'm not worthy' crap and just let me _show_ you!"

"Dean." Sam whispers up at him, and takes another shuddering breath, everything Dean just said echoing through his brain, and is that really how Dean feels? Does he really love him that much, that deep? He wrestles with himself for another moment, wants so badly to believe in this-

His brother reaches out, wipes at a tear he didn't even know escaped and sweeps it into his mouth, and Sam knows, right then, that Dean's telling him the absolute truth, unvarnished and bare, and a calm fills him, stills his worry, and peace comes then, slides through his doubts, his fears and releases them, and a sob catches at his throat, chokes out before he can stop it and he's reaching up, cupping Dean's face with his big hand, caressing the familiar lines, the cut cheekbones, that beautiful mouth.

And he nods, leans back and relaxes, letting his body open for his brother-

Dean is searching his face and he sees the surrender, sees the acceptance shining out of Sam's eyes and he gives a sexy grin, "About fucking time, Sammy."

And he bends his head, lets his eyes slide down, warmth and heat following his gaze, across Sam's chest, along the length of his dick and down both long legs, eyes touching like fingertips and Sam feels every catch, every slide, his skin goose-pimpling at the sensations, needs Dean to take him, needs that so fucking bad!

When Dean leans over him, starts kissing and biting over his jaw, down his throat, it's a nuzzling tickle that makes him shiver, hot fire sliding down his body as the mouth moves lower, tongue laying wet trails everywhere, over his nipple, sucking on it rough and then sweeping gentle, biting and licking, until Sam's hands are cupping his head and he's choking out small whimpers, arching up for more-

The other nipple is taken next, worked over good, bitten to a pulsing red and then suckled soft, the dark want spiraling through Sam's gut fast, "Please, Dean, need."

The tongue licks lower, trailing wet over his skin, nips at his lower belly, his hip bones and he's straining up with his thighs, wants Dean to keep going, his cock aching for it-

Hot air blows over his dick just before he's enveloped in warm wet heaven and fuck, that's nice, Dean's mouth moving down slow, taking him in as much as possible before he has to pull back, Dean's hand around the base, dragging his skin up and down in rhythm, the tongue inside a frantic snake, twisting and curling, driving Sam to the edge and holding him there, torturing sweetly.

Can't hardly talk, can only stupidly repeat, "Oh, God, Dean, oh, God, Dean…" in a mindless mantra, too caught up in the deliciousness going on down below to form a coherent thought.

Dean's mouth is gone, ripped away and Sam moans at the loss, needs his brother to keep going, finish him-

He's flipped over suddenly, dragged to his knees, happens so fast his head's spinning, and strong fingers spread open his ass cheeks but he's not ready yet, needs prep, lube, something, "Dean, wait!"

Something's nudging against him and Sam stiffens, almost lunges away but he's held fast, Dean's hands digging in, holding him in place and he's tense, nerves on high alert, and then he feels it-

Wet and soft and fuck, that's Dean's_ tongue_-

Circling and licking his clenched hole, fingers pulling it open, baring him, even as the tongue works it's way inside, muscle firm now, wiggling and poking and black desire shoots through his legs, turns him kitten weak and his arms give out, collapsing him down into the bed, would have fallen flat but Dean's got his hips in a death grip and rucked up high.

Hears the harsh noises coming out of his throat, can't stop them, he's grunting and moaning, high pitched whines that shake through him with every twist of that wicked tongue and when Dean presses in with two fingers alongside his tongue, pushes against _that spot_ and goes deep, he almost comes right there.

His dick is so hard it hurts and he starts babbling wild, can't hold it back, "Oh, God, Dean, holy fuck, feels so damn good, can't take it, it's too much, can't, ungghhhhhh, gonna, gonna come!"

"Uh-uh, no you don't, Sammy. Not yet." Dean's fingers slow, pump into him lazy, while his other hand reaches under, squeezes Sam's dick hard, pushing the orgasm back and making Sam almost sob at the denial, needs to get his dick off now, right now-

"God, Sam, you taste so sweet, just like I knew you would. Gonna slick you up now, gotta have you, man. S'okay, Sam? Can I? Won't do it unless you say you want it too." Dean's damn fingers are driving him crazy, keep rucking over that electrical current inside, making his legs twitch and jerk.

And it's not even a choice now, it's a necessity, has to let Dean finish them, has to feel his brother all over him, and he hears the pleading in his own voice, wants this so bad, "Yes, Dean, _God, yes,_ need you, want to, so fucking bad, want to see you, can I? Want to see your face, your eyes when we-finish this. Love-love you, please-"

He's released instantly, rolled back over and he gropes up blind, pulling Dean's mouth to his, pushing in with his tongue, tastes himself there, mixed with Dean's taste and it's filthy, tantalizing and enticing, and he moans into it, shoves in deeper, needs to chase after it, find more.

Feels Dean lean away, doesn't break the kiss but he's fumbling for something-

Sam hears something click, the wet noise of friction before slick fingers push back inside him, getting him ready and he spreads his legs wider, wants Dean to know how much he wants this, grinds his ass down on Dean's hand plunging inside, feels so fucking good.

Dean breaks the kiss, squeezes out more lube and coats his dick, leans forward and catches Sam's eyes, locks there-

"I love you, Sam."

And there's a pushing at his hole, Dean's cock insistent, stubborn and Sam catches his breath, knows it's probably gonna hurt like hell and tries to relax, let himself go loose and pliant.

Dean presses harder and breaks through, thrusting forward fast to get past Sam's slack muscles, stretching his ass incredibly wide and Sam cries out at the burn, at the wrenching open, his muscles clench, lock down and he's got his hands on Dean's shoulders, holding him back, his body fighting the invasion hard.

"Shhh, it's okay, we'll go slow, promise, sorry, Sammy, know it's gotta hurt like hell. I'll make it better, take care of you, I swear!"

The blood is pounding in his head and he's making wrecked noises, hurt moans and painful breath, and Dean is running soothing hands over his legs, his stomach, and Sam's trying to relax, he is, but it's so freaking painful, doesn't understand how anyone can enjoy this shit-

Dean's mouth is taking his, kissing deeply, even as he's bearing down, shoving past Sam's clenched muscles and suddenly, he's _in_, sliding home, filling Sam completely.

"Open your eyes, Sammy." Isn't even aware that he closed them but he must have, hears Dean's words and he tries to obey, he does, squints open and there's the beautiful face above him, worry shining through-

Dean makes a noise in his throat, his eyes soft and warm, wants to take Sam's pain as his own, take it from him but he can't and Sam knows he's struggling, because Dean's causing the pain and it's hurting him more than Sam at this point.

Knows Dean's a hair's breath from pulling out and calling the whole thing off and nope, uh-uh, that's not gonna happen because Sam wants this, they both _need_ this and he's just gonna suck it up and pretend it feels good-

Gives Dean a half-smile, "Wow, that was-you're so freaking big, wasn't expecting it but hell, that's awesome!" And he squeezes his muscles down, wiggles a little, "Come on, Dean, need you to k-keep going, okay?"

He sees the doubt in Dean's eyes, the shake of his head because Dean knows he's lying like hell so he pushes it, says the one word he knows will work, get him what he wants, "_Please_, Dean? Please don't stop. Want this, okay?"

Dean lets out a low breath, nods against his better judgment and pulls out slowly, slides back in easy but Sam still gasps, fingers clenched in Dean's shoulders, teeth gritted but he moans encouragingly, lost in his brother's eyes-

Dean does it again, slow out and then in, and it goes easier, the slick helping lessen the burn and when Dean pulls out, shifts his hips and thrusts again, he hits Sam's prostate.

_And Sweet Baby Jesus!_

Bursts of pleasure shoot through his body and there's no more pain, no more burn, only sizzling sparks, sweet flames and he stiffens, cries out when Dean does it again, starts begging, "Oooohhh, fuck, Dean, harder, shit, need it, please, again, Christ, feels so fucking good!"

And Dean's lost in watching his reactions, hanging on his every movement as he bucks in with his hips, whispering out everything in his heart, "So beautiful, Sammy, God, look at you! Love you like this, love making you feel good, so freaking grateful you're letting me have you, perfect, perfect for me, just like I knew you would be, love you so much, can't even-"

Sam grabs Dean's face, pulls him down and kisses wild, hungry and frantic, bucking up with his ass each time Dean thrusts in, making his brother go deeper, wanting to feel every stab, every plunge, wringing pleasure out of each movement.

And when Dean's fist circles his dick, starts jerking him off, and gives one more shove in, hits that spot like he's got radar, that's it-

Sam feels the rush crowd through, didn't even know he was so close but it crests, bursts and he's coming hard, shooting his load all over Dean's hand, his stomach, clenches his muscles, grips Dean's cock hard-

Dimly hears Dean's cries of pleasure, feels the pulsing hot in his ass and Dean's filling him up, emptying into Sam and he's never felt anything better than that, his brother's hot breath in his mouth, shuddering body pouring everything he has into Sam, marking him, claiming him.

Leaves them both weak and trembling, kissing softly as they catch their breath, bodies hot, sweating, clinging to each other and Sam can't believe how good he feels, how complete.

Never gonna forget this night.

#

They're curled around each other and Dean can't stop touching him, like he's not whole unless he's got a hand on Sam somewhere and they haven't spoken yet, no words can belay what's in Sam's heart and he's pretty sure Dean's right there with him.

Dean's kissing his shoulder, one hand stroking his hip and the other splayed across his belly, holding him close. The warm mouth roves just under his ear lobe, trailing down his neck and back up, nipping at his skin before Dean just takes a deep breath, snuggles in closer.

"God, I love you, Sammy."

And he knows that now, never gonna doubt his brother's love again but he's worried, doesn't know where they go from here, can't give this up now, knew he wouldn't be able to, wants more, wants to know Dean, now, wants to give Dean pleasure like he just gave him.

Knows he said it was the only time, knows he and Dean agreed just once but now-

Can't say it, any of it, because he's the one that drew the line, made Dean accept and can't back down now. Knows in his gut it still isn't right, not by society's standards and they can't let themselves continue with this but damn-

He's never felt anything so right in his life.

He slides his hand over Dean's, where it lays on his skin and clutches tight, gonna cling to his brother, to this for as long as he can.

"I love you, too, Dean. Love you, too."

##


	5. Chapter 5

#

It's getting on towards sunset when they stop to gas up, the sun blinding low in the sky, straight out in front, scarlet and pink shadows pillowing the clouds, and Sam squints, puts up a hand to shade his eyes-

Turns his gaze towards his brother, Dean offering a crooked smile as he plucks the key out of the ignition and hops out, fake credit card opening the gas pump, strong fingers gripping the nozzle, capable and firm, and Sam catches his breath, remembering those hands caressing him, feathering over his skin, sparking his nerve endings with tingling desire.

Sam bites his lip, looks away, his heart aching with loss-

It's been four days and Dean's kept his promise.

There's been _nothing_, not a word, not a glance that wasn't completely platonic, Dean going above and beyond, not touching, not standing too close, distancing himself like Sam's got the frigging plague or something.

Knows he should be happy, that Dean accepted his decision, supports him, knows in his gut, in his head, it's for the best, he _does_. But it damn rankles in his heart because Dean _shouldn't_ be fine with it; he should be suffering just like Sam is. He should be gazing at Sam longingly, sneaking covert glances at his ass and his dick, so overcome with lust that he can't help but look, watch and _want_.

Because that's what Sam's doing, goddamn it! Can't help himself, checking out Dean's ass as he walks into the convenience store to pay, so tight and sweet under his jeans, it makes Sam's mouth water and he wants to _know_ it, intimately, wants to have Dean underneath him, spread wide open, wants to dive in, drown in the flavors and tastes and smells that are his gorgeous brother, wants to touch him, love him, make him scream for release.

Because if Sam's damn honest with himself, he wants Dean begging for his touch, his cock, wants to give his brother the same taste of the heaven Dean gave him when he'd taken Sam, made love to him and bound them together forever.

God, he _wants_.

Hates himself, hates this! _Knew_ this would happen if he let them!

Knew he'd be unable to forget, so fucking hungry for more he can't stand it-

Doesn't know what the hell to do, his emotions rampant, out of control, twitching under his skin and he trails after Dean, an invisible tether, can't be too far away because it's like a lost limb if he can't see his brother, breathe him in.

Four days.

Three long ass nights listening to the rustle in the next bed, the soft snores and wuffling breaths, forcing the memories away, willing his dick not to fucking want so bad, trying to tell his head this is the right thing to do.

Shredding Sam's heart into little pieces with each withdrawal, with each pulling away, keeping the wall between them and it's ripping him up inside.

Finds himself doing stupid shit to get Dean's attention, like taking his shirt off for no fucking reason, to do research on his laptop, trying to look casual, normal-

Or squeezing into his tightest pair of jeans and laying seductively on the bed, nonchalantly watching television-

Or his most obvious one, coming out of the bathroom in just a towel, flexing his pecs, deliberately flaunting himself, hoping to get a reaction, hell, just one freaking yearning look would soothe his wounded ego immensely.

And he's flailing, desperate, doesn't know how to get Dean to want him again, to love him again because Dean doesn't even seem to notice his frantic need, in fact, his brother is acting like their night of love never happened, like Sam imagined it all and he hates this fucking shit!

Dean doesn't see his bare chest, his tight jeans or his pathetic fucking towel, nope, not even a flicker of passion in those green eyes and he feels stupid, slow and worthless, hungry for more of something he can never have again-

Shouldn't hurt so much, because Sam _asked_ for this, drew the line, made it clear 'one time only' and there shouldn't be a gripping ache in his chest, a weak, helpless tear in his gut, but there _is_.

Can't help it, it's a sob torn through his throat, a crumpling of strength because he thought their night together_ meant_ something to Dean, should have because it was everything to Sam and he'd beenso happy, so fulfilled.

Thought it felt the same for Dean but now-

Now it's pretty obvious Dean doesn't love him back, like at _all_, didn't mean any of the promises he made, and it was heat of the moment, a bad case of horny, lack of sleep and frantic exhaustion, his brother just needing to get his dick off and nothing else.

_Knows_ how Dean is, knew it all along, hell, watched it enough over the years, the pick-up, the flirting, the hoarse promises of more, of forever-

Whenever Dean had brought home chicks to fuck, telling the girl whatever he needed to get in their pants and how he'd get lost in the moment, in the physical, thrusting into them hard and fast until he was satisfied, sated, and then he was shoving them out the door almost before he even got his dick put away.

Barely knew their name most times-

Guess Sam was just another notch, just another conquest and now that Dean had his rocks off, Sam was being pushed away, too, no closeness, no love, not anymore, and Sam just has to deal with it, suck it up because that's all he's ever gonna get of Dean, all his brother is capable of.

Never has been able to let anyone into his heart completely, his walls cold steel, impossible to penetrate and it hurts deep, cuts clean through because Sam thought he was different to Dean, that Dean loved him enough to not hide, thought when they'd made love it was just gonna be a new closeness, a new level for them-

Instead it's worse than it was before, with Dean withdrawing just like he had after that truck driver, like Sam's invisible, barely there and certainly not worth time or attention.

_Doesn't even call me Sammy anymore_ and Sam never thought he would miss that hated nickname, but he does.

He misses _Dean_, goddamn it.

#

That night, after they'd made love, they'd curled around each other, lazy and spent; Dean kissing him between breaths, his mouth on Sam's full of promises, tongue taking his so sweet, hot hands cupped around his face, holding him in place, gut-wrenching and mind-blowing.

Making him weak because Dean's insistent, not releasing, making him and turning Sam into loose bones and twitching skin, stupid with desire, whimpering at the firm handling, _letting_ Dean, wanting Dean-

Opens up for his brother, sliding a hand into the short cropped hair and hooking Dean closer, encouraging, letting the other man have everything, the hot tongue sliding over his snapping sparks, live wires twisting and writhing, tearing wrecked noises from Sam's throat, has him quivering with passion, so fucking in love he can barely breathe with it.

When Dean finally breaks the kiss, Sam's mouth is swollen, tender and Dean stares at his lips hungrily, nips at them, tugs the bottom one between his teeth and bites softly, green eyes locked on his, boring deep, the inner lights there flaring into flames as he smiles delightedly at Sam's whole body shiver-

Buries his mouth between the crook of Sam's neck and shoulder, voice cracked with emotion, hot breath tickling his skin and Sam's pretty sure he's died and gone to heaven, loves how Dean feels around him, safe and home and love, curling a warmth in him he's never tasted before and it's Dean, all him, doesn't even know how much he gives Sam…

Dean's words surround him, fill him so good, "This was awesome, Sammy. Thanks for-_letting us_, man, I-can't even, just so freaking happy now, I-gonna keep it close, make sure I remember every detail, never gonna forget this night, your smell, your taste, love every inch of you, love _you_, Sam. So fucking much, you just don't even-"

And he trails away, kisses Sam goodnight like second nature, makes Sam ache with secret longing of the life that _could_ be, having this, every freaking day, freedom to touch Dean when he wants, how he wants, and the warm rush through his stomach fills Sam, makes him so fucking happy he can barely stand to be in his own skin.

Dean plants one more soft kiss on Sam's mouth and relaxes into him, closes his eyes, words slurring as sleep takes him over, "Shouldn't have any more nightmares now…not after this…"

#

He sleeps like a baby in Dean's arms, not even a flicker of a dream, wakes up rested and sated and horny as hell.

Like his body is hot-wired, short circuiting and sparks are flying everywhere-

He's surrounded by Dean's scent, sleep-warmth and cheap shampoo, soft leather and ripped jeans, _Dean's smell,_ and he inhales deep, wants to remember every second.

The warm body is pressed against Sam's back, Dean's stiff cock already awake and straining, poking against his ass cheeks and Sam catches his breath, murmurs consent, encouragement, arching back, wants Dean inside him again, taking him so good-

"Mmmmm, morning…" And Dean's still dreaming, the smile in his voice sleep-clogged and so fucking sexy, Sam shivers with it, his heart full of love and hope, and maybe this _is_ possible, maybe there's a chance for them and he's wriggling his hips back further, trying to get Dean's dick in between his ass cheeks, moaning wantonly, begging for more-

With a jerk, Dean comes fully awake, sucking in a harsh breath, remembering where he is, who he's with, even as his hands are pushing Sam away, slicing his heart in two, "Shit, Sam, can't_ do_ this, remember? One time, that was all, _promised_ you, gotta respect your wishes and I'm trying to do what you want, what you said and then you-_holy fuck, _Sammy, STOP!" Dean curses harshly as Sam rocks back, trying to get more of Dean's cock to touch and his brother jerks away like he's been burned, harsh and frantic breaths, rolls off the bed and hits the floor running, slams into the bathroom before Sam can say a word.

He listens to the lock snick into place and _that sound_, it's a dull blade to his heart, aching memories and broken hopes and Sam gives an anguished sob, crumbles inward, curled and lost inside himself, can't believe how fast things changed, heart clenching with sudden inexplicable hurt, trembling like crazy.

Sure, Sam said they could only have this once but he hadn't expected _this_-

Had thought it would be gradual, they would kiss some, hold each other some and_ talk_ about it. Maybe have a morning round before they called it quits. He would've kind of been on board with that.

Fuck, he would have _way _been on board with that.

#

But now, it's locked doors and cold shoves and fuck, it _hurts_, and he's _trying_ to cling to Dean's words, that he isn't dirty, isn't disgusting and that Dean loves him with all his heart-

Dean meant it. He must have meant it.

And he'll come around, _has to_, won't be able to resist Sam much longer, gonna be stupid for him, hungry for him, just like Sam is, always is, for Dean and Sam's just got to bide his time because Dean'll lose it soon and break, dive in and take Sam hard, like he wants, like he needs-

And Sam keeps telling himself that, to hold on and wait, knows Dean doesn't want him, not really, but he drifts between reality and dreams, loves his brother so damn much-

#

But he doesn't.

For four fucking days, he doesn't.

And Sam finally admits, finally realizes that Dean's gone from him, doesn't want him anymore, it rips through Sam's gut, leaves him gasping with hurt because he doesn't understand, his brother had told him, over and over again, how much he loved and needed Sam and how does someone just turn that the fuck off? How does someone supposedly in love just…_not _be anymore?

Sam guesses he must be pretty easy to get over, to forget about because Dean's not having any issues at all with moving on, back in big brother role with a vengeance, growling out orders, telling him he's a girl and a geek, and taking care of Sam like always, just like he has every day of his life.

Not once does he give Sam a lustful glance, not once does he stare at Sam with ravenous need and Sam doesn't understand. How can it be_ so_ deep with him and Dean just be-fine with it?

_Christ, Sam needs-_

It keeps his tears close, he can feel them, a constant ache in the back of his throat, a burning clench he can't swallow down, so thick with tension he doesn't even remember how to relax, his headache constant, makes him want to puke his guts out because how can he be alone in these feelings? How can it all have been a lie?

It can't have been a lie. Dean meant it when he said he loved Sam. He must have.

Now, he's just gotta reach Dean, get through that thick skull and make him understand that while Sam _said_ one time, he sure as hell didn't _mean_ one time. And Dean's the one that's gotta take the next step because Sam's taken his stand, can't back down but Dean can force it, force _them_, overpower him and kiss away his fight, take him hard and make Sam understand this is how it's gonna be.

Fuck, he wants Dean to do that so bad. It's all consuming, eats at his brain and leaves him a muddled, unfocused mess, dangerous on a hunt, needs Dean's body next to his, warm and heavy weight, needs that mouth stealing his breath, twisting his emotions until he's a shivering mess, needs to breathe Dean in, revel in it, lose himself in his brother's eyes, let himself drown there.

#

That's why he does it.

Disobeys a direct order. Throws himself in front of a monster and sacrifices himself so Dean will live.

Because he loves his brother, more than life and needs Dean to know that, to remember that.

#

The _Kracken_ they'd been hunting didn't match up to Dad's journal or the Internet lore, because the freaking thing was supposed to be a giant of the deep, unseen by human eyes, water-bound but nope, it was walking around, breathing oxygen and taking victims out pretty fast, squirting black ink to suffocate and then wrapping up the struggling body in its long tentacles, squeezing the life out of them-

It sucked out their life essence through its suction cups, growing stronger with each kill-

The sheer amount of victims suggested more than one monster, which is why Dean had ordered Sam to fall back, to keep watch-

It had stunned Sam when he'd seen it, the huge mass sliding along the ground, almost silent, just a small hiss of grass underneath and he'd only caught it when the moon had peeked out behind a cloud, caught the wet reflection and damn, it was moving fast-

Straight for his brother-

He'd seen the long tentacle arms, reaching for Dean and Dean's head was turned, hearing the sound but not sure of the direction-

And he hadn't even thought, simply threw himself in front, shielding Dean, knowing his brother's survival was paramount and Sam didn't matter one lick in the grand scheme of things but Dean-

Dean _mattered._ Dean had a place in history and had to live.

Sam got it, understood in the blink of an eye that he could die, would die, so that Dean would live.

When the long arms surrounded him, started to squeeze the breath out of him, the warm gush of black ink had burned like acid, but he'd relaxed into the clench, let himself go, _wanted_ to go, because he was so fucked up in the head and he couldn't stand to be without Dean any longer, couldn't live with the denial, the crushing need that cloaked him, engulfed him and he needed this, better for both of them if he ended it now.

He embraced it, the peace, the calm of death that rolled through him even as his breath was sucked out of his lungs-

Felt himself fading away, the deadly hug around his chest turning him so fucking tired, all he wanted to do was sleep, couldn't deal with not breathing, couldn't deal with Dean turning away-

Won't have to live with lies anymore, won't have to watch his brother walk away, never touching again, never loving again-

Barely hears the gunshots as he loses consciousness.

#

When Sam comes to, he's dizzy, foggy, in the car and Dean is squealing down the road, hell-bent and yelling in his face, shouting his name over and over, a hand on his arm shaking him, the look on Dean's face stark terror-

He jerks forward, sucking in a noisy gasp, curls in around the fire gripping his chest, it's a living thing and he can't breathe, can't breathe-

Huffs out a sob, keeps trying but he's drowning, choking, needs oxygen like never before-

#

Dimly realizes he's on the ground, Dean's hands shoving down on his chest, soft lips covering his own, breathing air into his ruined lungs and yes, _fucking finally_, gets to feel Dean's mouth on his once again-

He sucks in air, the sweetest taste in the world next to Dean, and the dizzy smears in his brain focus-

And he's able to huff out his brother's name, help get himself up, off the ground and back into the car, Dean hauling him along while Sam's concentrating on sucking air in and out, shallow breaths but there, thank Christ!

Lets his head fall back on the seat, opens his throat so his screaming lungs can get relief and closes his eyes, his body picking with a thousand needles, like it's been asleep and is just now tingling awake.

Fuck, he's so tired…

#

Next thing he knows, he's being half-dragged into the motel room, his brother chewing his ass out good.

"Damn it, Sam! I told you to let me handle it!" Dean's got a death grip on his arm, yanking Sam along faster than he can blink.

"Yelling at me-" Sam tries to gasp in a breath but his chest hurts like hell, "not helping-" another harsh wheeze before he can continue, "situation, Dean."

"Oh, you ain't heard nothing yet, asshole!" Dean snarls as he keys the lock, kicks open the door to their motel room and muscles Sam inside, shoves him down onto a chair and yanks his ruined shirt up and off, trying to wipe away as much black goo as he can before he tosses it across the room, points at Sam, "Sit! Stay!"

And yeah, Sam probably can't get up without Dean's help but he manages to gasp out a snarky whisper, "Not a…dog, man."

The look Dean gives him is pure fury, would have dropped a lesser man in his tracks and even Sam shrinks back, because the words tossed over his brother's shoulder are deceptively calm, like he's smiling, just aching for the chance to land a punch or two, "If I were you, asshole, I'd shut up right about now."

And Dean's out the door, back seconds later with a handkerchief full of ice, which he slaps hard across Sam's chest, making him wince in pain.

"Hurts?" Dean asks with a scowl, "Good! Your own damn fault for jumping in front of me like that! I had a fucking bead on it, Sam, and then you just-almost had to fucking shoot through you to kill the damn thing!" Dean shakes his head, words failing him but he recovers fast, still biting and growling, "Damn rookie move, Sam! What the hell were you thinking!?"

Sam hauls in a shallow breath and _oh, fuck, that hurts, _tries to spit out as few words as possible because talking aches like a fuck, "Thinking I'd save you, when I-" He hitches, pulls in another huff, "You weren't looking and-" Sam shakes his head, exhausted from trying to breathe, trying to speak and he falls back, cradles the ice to his chest with a curled hand.

Dean takes the ice pack away and gently feels Sam's ribs and chest, still bitching, "I knew where the damn thing was the whole time, Sammy. Told you to stay the fuck back and just recon, keep an eye out for any friends but no, you can't just do what you're told, can you? No, you always gotta do whatever the hell you want and fuck what I say."

"Dean! Not-not like that." The ache isn't easing at all, still a hard fist in his chest, breathing thick syrup, the giant purple bruises across his chest spreading fast, black ink still smeared along his arms, his ribs ache like hell and his lungs are vise-tight, won't expand like they should.

Knows he needs to save his breath, stop talking but he wants Dean to understand, manages to wheeze out, "Scared you'd get…hurt, wanted to help…t-take care of you."

And Sam slumps back, shakes his head, tears smarting at his eyes, exhausted from fighting for breath.

Dean stares down at him, his angry gaze softening, taking in how hurt he is and the care, the concern , the love, all gaze back at him, "Sure made a mess of yourself, didn't you, Sammy? Don't think anything's broken but you took a helluva hit. Gonna have to rest up for a couple of days, let yourself heal."

He starts arguing immediately, "N-nother case-"

His voice is weak and shaky, tries to firm it up, show his strength but it ain't happening and Dean's not buying it for a second-

"That I'm gonna do alone 'cause you're gonna rest." And Sam gets another stink-eye from his brother, hard gaze scowling down until Sam nods in defeat, looks down at his chest and rubs a hand across, "Hurts."

Dean sighs and reaches out, pets Sam's hair in a soothing swipe, "I know it does. Come on, let's get you to bed."

Sam almost bites out a scathing comment but stops at the last second, saves what little breath he has.

_Get you to bed…_

If his fucking asshole of a brother had done that in the first place, none of this shit would be happening now! That's exactly what Dean needs to do, take him to bed and keep him there, make love to him like before, until Sam's got no fight left, until they both admit they can't live without this any longer.

He needs Dean to take charge, tell him how it's gonna be from now on and make sure Sam knows his place-

Under Dean, with Dean. Joined together. Forever.

He lets his brother settle him in bed, leans back and picks absently at the black smears still on his skin, _fucking burns like crazy-_

#

He jerks awake, disoriented, in a room that's familiar, looks like…but what the hell are they doing here? "Dean?"

"Thank Christ!" Dean's there in an instant, peering down at him, green eyes huge, haunted, shaking hand smoothing back his hair, "Jesus, Sammy, are you okay? How-I mean, are you feeling alright?"

"I-" He ponders his body, breathing easy now, chest no longer in a vice grip of pain and nods, "Good, I'm good, I think. Where are we? We at-?"

"Bobby's, yeah. You don't remember?"

Sam shakes his head, searches his memory but it's gone, black hole and all he can remember is wanting Dean, missing Dean-

His brother's voice is trembling scared, scratched raw, "After that freaking squid thing attacked you, you fell asleep and I woke you, couple hours later, to hit the road, and you seemed _better_, could breathe without hurting, could talk without losing your wind and we got our shit packed up, were walking out to the car and you fucking _dropped_, man, like a stone, your eyes rolled up and you were just-_gone_. Scared the shit out of me, Sammy, I swear to God, couldn't wake you up, hell, you were barely fucking breathing so I got you in the car, hauled ass to Bobby's house to see if he could figure out what the hell."

Sam reaches down to touch his bare chest, his bruise is almost gone and he moves his legs, feels the sheet against bare skin, his dick giving a twitch as he lifts the cotton spread to look-

He's naked as the day he was born under there.

Dean sees his confused look and blushes, actually _blushes_, before growling defensive, "You kept spiking a damn fever, man, got so hot I had to keep putting ice packs on you, putting cold cloths on your forehead and chest to get you cool-and it seemed easier to keep you naked rather than fight your clothes every time I had to cool you off."

"What-what happened? Was it the ink? I mean-" Sam knows he must have been out for a while because Dean's _really_ freaked the fuck out, face pinched white, skin stretched gaunt like he hasn't eaten in days and he's shaking, the hand petting Sam's hair trembling bad.

Never seen his brother so worried.

Dean rubs his arm, can't seem to stop touching him, eyes still jerky with fear, "Bobby said the ink was some sort of toxin and you went into a coma, Bobby kept saying you'd wake up, that you'd be fine but Jesus!" Dean's gaze is searching his face, his voice hoarse, a sob buried inside, "Been six goddamn days, man, was-was starting to lose hope, so fucking scared I lost you!"

And he's pulled into the best hug ever, warm arms holding tight, like he'll never let go and Sam gives a sigh of delight, never thought he'd have this again, Dean's touch surrounding him and he snuggles in, doesn't care how the hell it happened, he's gonna enjoy the shit out of it until it ends-

Wraps his arms around Dean's hard waist and inhales his brother's scent while a hand cups his head, holds him close and Sam relaxes into the familiar touch, the love in his heart swelling until it's all he knows, all he can think-

Says gruffly, with a laugh in his voice, because he needs to stay right here for fucking ever, "Last I knew, you were bitching at me for saving your ass...if I'da known I was gonna get _this_, I'da done it sooner."

He's shoved away so fast, his head is spinning, Dean jerking away, eyes down, won't look at Sam and _shit, goddamn and fuck_, Sam shoulda just kept his mouth shut and enjoyed but no, had to say_ something_, always has to talk everything to fucking death instead of just accepting, enjoying-

"Dean, wait-" He's reaching out, trying to grab his brother, haul his ass back in-

But Dean sides-swipes, his voice choked, a low mutter, "Sorry about that. Just- scared, you know? Forgot- I'm not supposed to touch you and I was just-it was such a relief that you were okay, thought you were never gonna wake up and then you did and I-sorry, didn't mean to, ah, just, sorry."

There's a shrug of shoulders and Dean can't meet his eyes, his brother's hands clenched into fists, the raw tension pulsing through, like Dean's one second away from breaking-

Because the look on his face is crushed, shattered, and it's all on Sam, he knows it is, and damn it, he wants to take it back, all of it. Doesn't want them to just have once, wants forever, doesn't know how to tell Dean, doesn't even know if it will be accepted but he's gotta try because he's so fucking hungry for his brother's touch, so fucking ravenous for any glance that he's desperate, searching for any signs of longing in those beautiful eyes-

"Dean, maybe I-I mean, I wouldn't mind-" He trails away, hoping Dean gets it without him having to be humiliated, swallowing his pride because he's so fucking needy and doesn't want Dean to know just how _much_-

Dean cuts him off, doesn't hear, turning back to stare at him anxiously, "You-are you sure you're okay? I mean, your chest? Breathing okay?"

Sam nods fast, tries to sit up and show Dean, wants the pinched worry gone from his brother's face, "I feel fine. Really."

Dean reaches out, pushes Sam's bangs back, almost petting, "Good, that's good. You hungry? I can go get something."

The minute Sam thinks about food, his stomach gives a loud growl and they both chuckle, Sam shrugging his shoulders sheepishly, "Guess I'm a little hungry."

Dean gives one more pet and drops his hand, leaving Sam cold and alone, watching his brother grab the keys, stride to the door and turning back to smirk, "No salad crap this time, Sammy. You need grease and protein, and pie, lots of pie."

"Chocolate" Sam calls out and Dean, half out the door, turns and gives him a little boy grin "Chocolate it is. You rest. I'll be back soon."

As soon as the door closes, Sam's up and out of bed, needs a shower bad because he still smells sick, his beard itching his face and he's gotta piss like crazy.

Wants to be clean shaven and smelling good just in case Dean wants to-

Fuck, who's he kidding? Dean doesn't want him anymore, it was pretty obvious with how fucking fast he shoved Sam away the minute Sam mentioned anything close to intimate-

And that thought right there makes him nauseous, kills his appetite quicker than spit and he just hopes he can manage to get down a few bites of food, otherwise Dean will start hovering again-

#

The shower and shave lift his spirits, make him feel almost normal, sharp edges lulled into a simmering desperation, and he can almost keep it shoved down, pushed away so Dean doesn't see, doesn't want the tension back, that constant throb between them, just wants Dean to relax around him, touch him some more.

He throws the towel over the shower bar and walks out, starts rooting around in his duffle for clean clothes-

Hears the door open behind him and he jerks around in surprise-

And all the sound is sucked out of the room, the air a hot need-

Dean's frozen in place, mouth hanging open as his gaze trails over Sam's skin, taking in every naked inch, the greasy smelling brown bags hanging loosely from Dean's hands forgotten, falling to the floor unnoticed-

"Holy _fuck_, Sam!" And the tension slams in thick and heavy, Sam trembling with it, with the passion glittering in Dean's eyes, knows he should grab a blanket, cover himself but he can't, pinned in place like a bug under glass by Dean's piercing gaze.

Wants Deans gaze all over him, hungry and needy-

The air's pressing in, weighing down his shoulders and he tries sucking in a breath, tries to choke out a laugh, anything to break the scorching heat that's simmering in between them, clenching his gut with it, and his dick is rock hard in seconds, senses Dean's presence and remembers…

All he can manage is an aching moan and he makes his hands move, grabbing a t-shirt out of his duffle bag and belatedly covering his raging hard-on, stutters out an apology as he starts to turn away, "God, I'm sorry, Dean, thought I had time, thought you'd be gone longer-"

With a strangled moan, Dean's face goes gray, crumbles and he grabs the bags of food, tosses them blindly on the table and practically dives out of the open doorway, so fast Sam can feel the wind, the rejection, flood over him and guess that answers that question, he can resist Sam just fine, no problem at all. It's Sam that's got the fucking issues, the want that won't ever go away, the fucking hot need that's engulfing his dick, his brain, every fucking second, focused totally and completely on wanting Dean.

#

After two bites, he shoves it aside, the food thick ash in his mouth and he's gotta figure a way, can't let this go anymore, has to have his fucking brother if it kills him, needs to know that incredible body once again, needs to learn it, every inch, wants to make Dean scream for him-

How in the hell is he gonna get Dean to touch him again, to love on him again without Sam admitting how much he wants this-

And like a lock clicking into place, he knows what he has to do.

#

Dean's dragged from sleep abruptly, awareness scratching the surface, a familiar _son of a bitch_ on his lips as he jerks upright, confused, Bowie knife in hand before he even blinks awake and it's Sam-

_Jesus Christ!_

He's stumbling around the room, jerking from window to doorway and back again, clawing to get out, the muttering whispers sliding into Dean's head, and he's at a loss, déjà vu, feels like it's weeks ago and he's back there, lost in the night terrors along with Sam-

His dick twitches and grows, remembering Sam's body, bucking up against his; Dean's hand curled tight around Sam's cock, jerking him off and then later, them together-

Finally got to have Sam, all of him, just once and shit, the feel of that sweet body against his, clenched tight around him, Sam's sweet whimpers of pleasure, filling his heart with joy, sating his love…

But not for fucking long because the next morning, he'd wanted Sam so fucking bad it took all his willpower, all his strength to drag himself away, lock himself in the bathroom and find some relief for his aching, wanting dick.

He's lost track of the number of times he's jerked off since then, hell, whenever Sam walks around without a shirt, Dean's back to yanking his dick in the fucking bathroom.

And those fucking tight jeans that coated Sam like a second skin, shit, he'd taken one look and beat feet to the john, his orgasm bright and sharp, ripping through him with just a few drags on his cock, the image of Sam driving him to the brink and over the edge.

And, Jesus, that last time, when Sam had walked out of the shower in that freaking towel, he'd almost choked on his tongue, his arousal shooting through his body so fast, his knees had buckled and he'd sat down fast on the bed, grabbed the remote and frantically turned up the volume, needed to lose himself there, couldn't let Sam see his hungry want, his always present lust for his baby brother.

All that delicious flesh, those incredible muscles, making Dean's mouth water, wanted to drop to his knees, rip that fucking towel off and suck Sam down, take him deep in his throat and suck down his come, wanted to drown in it, choke on it.

He'd made it two minutes into the infomercial before he broke-

The smell of Sam's aftershave, the shift of towel around his tight ass and his brother's back muscles as he'd dug into his duffle bag for clean clothes swirled together, drove him freaking insane and he'd choked out a muffled curse, threw down the remote and bee-lined for the bathroom, the fucking toilet lid almost imprinted with his ass cheeks, he'd been on it so freaking much-

And he'd beat himself off hard, the image of Sam and towel, and then Sam _sans_ towel, had thrown him over the edge so fast, he was gasping with it, he barely managed two more strokes and he was spilling over his hand, biting his lip to hold back the tortured moans, fuck, can't do this shit anymore!

It's too much, living with Sam, head full of memories but arms still empty, still aching to have what he can never have again and he's crying, in his gut, in his heart, trying to be strong, trying to be Sammy's big brother but fuck, he wants-

And now this-

Another fucking night terror and Dean almost sobs, can't deal with this, can't wrestle Sam down again, have his brother fuck up against him again and not take-

Jesus, he's a man, alright? He's not a fucking priest who can do without; he's got needs…wants…

And he knows what the fuck Sam feels like, up close and personal, clenched around his dick and he's so on edge, right now, knows he's gonna break, knows he's gonna take his brother hard, wants that fucking sweet channel wrapped around him again, wants to pull those delicious sighs and moans from Sam's mouth, and it's not fucking fair, goddamn it!

Why the hell did Sam say only once? And why the hell is he tempting Dean now, with his every breath, with his hard body and soft eyes, it's like a damn insanity sentence, working at his subconscious, at his restraint, his walls and breaking them down, brick by brick, until all the mortar in the world couldn't hold them together any longer-

#

Sam's clawing at the windows and doors, hopes like hell he's doing this right, because all he has to go on is Dean's description, whispering what Dean said he says, mimicking his movements because he wants Dean to jerk him off, wants Dean on the fucking edge-

Because he's gonna _make_ something happen tonight, right now, gonna kiss his brother, hump on his brother, anything it fucking takes to get Dean to see they belong together.

Sam's shoulders are hunched up around his ears in nervousness, his back flesh picking and tingling, knows Dean's awake, watching him, heard the snore cut off, felt the movement and what the fuck is he waiting for? He's just sitting there, probably knows I'm jerking his chain and this isn't real but hell, he needs to say fucking something, do fucking something-

The hands on his shoulders land sudden and rough, almost make him jump but he catches himself hard, maintains position because he's not supposed to be reachable, not supposed to know the reality of this world-

Keeps whispering, fights against the clenching fingers digging in, and he's turned around, facing Dean and shit, doesn't know how he's supposed to look, can't look directly at Dean or he'll know Sam's faking his ass off-

Finds a spot over his brother's shoulder and stares at it, keeps muttering about 'him knowing and can't do this anymore', even as Dean's shoving him backwards, his brother's curses making his heart pound because that rough, sleep-worn voice is shuddering through him, coursing desire in his veins even as he's pushed across the room, thrown down onto his back, onto his bed and Dean climbs on top and holy fuck!

Yes, this! He doesn't even think, lands hands on Dean's hips and pulls him close, feeling Dean's hard length against his own and he bucks up, rolls his own pelvis in and the moan that falls helplessly from his mouth is pure and real and fuck, Dean feels good against him.

"Shit!" Dean is pushing at him, clawing at his hands, trying to get Sam to release him and he does, abruptly, before reaching up, mumbling hoarsely, "Need that fucking mouth!"

And he pulls Dean in, catches his lips in a kiss, holding Dean in place while he pushes in, opens his brother up, letting his tongue slide in, searching for Dean's-

Finds it _right there_ and can't help the desperate groan that falls out, Jesus, that taste, all he's been wanting for weeks, and it chokes the breath out of him, so beautiful, so fucking beautiful-

Dean's pushing at him, at his shoulders, trying to stop this, trying to get away but Sam holds on tight, keeps his mouth pressed in, the sparking flame that's shooting through his gut at Dean's tongue on his fuels him, wants him to conquer, to possess-

But Dean's still struggling, not enjoying and goddamn it, Sam wants Dean on board with this, this is the fucking problem right here is that Dean won't let him, won't let them-

He breaks the kiss abruptly, all logic and reasoning gone, forgets completely what brought them here as he stares into those frantic green eyes and harshes out, "Jesus Christ, Dean, would you sit the fuck still and just enjoy this? Cause you're starting to seriously piss me off here!"

Dean jerks back like Sam just bit him, eyes huge and incredulous and _oh, shit_, _he_ _knows_-

"Sam? You're awake? What-what the hell, man?"

"Dean-" Sam jumps in, tries to undo the damage he just wrought between them because Dean's expression is cut, crushed with hurt and confusion and fuck, he never meant for this to happen-

"No, just-don't, Sam. What, you were pretending to have a goddamn nightmare? Why? You want to bring me to my knees or something, tease me with this and then what? Tell me again why we can't have this, why we can't do this." And he shoves Sam away fast, gets off the bed before Sam can grab him and haul him back, "You're a fucking asshole, Sam!"

Dean turns away, a broken whine falling from his throat and Sam doesn't understand, Dean didn't want him anymore, at least, that's what it felt like so why is he acting like Sam just cut out his heart?

"Dean, wait, it wasn't like that, I just wanted-"

"Save it, Sam. I know what you wanted. You wanted to prove some point, of what the fuck I have no idea because it's all a game to you, isn't it? You don't give a rat's ass about me or how I feel inside, all you care about is controlling this, controlling me and I'm done. I've tried to give you what you want, tried to stay away from you and it's still not fucking enough for you! You still want goddamn more, to play stupid games and mess with my head. Never thought you'd be like this, cruel like this and I can't do this anymore, Sam. It's too much for me and I have to-fuck, I gotta go. I just can't-"

And Dean is grabbing his keys and jacket, swinging away and stalking towards the door, not even listening to Sam-

"Dean, don't, please! Don't go, just let me explain, I wanted you-"

And Dean swings back around, his green eyes dead and cold, lips pulled into a thin line of pain, "Fuck you, Sam. Just fuck you."

And with a sweep of cold air, Dean drags open the door and wades through, slamming it shut behind him and just like that, his brother's gone.

##


	6. Chapter 6

AN: So sorry for the long wait between updates, my muse up and left for a while but she's back now. Hope you enjoy!

##

And _Hell, NO_, this isn't happening! Sam's not gonna let it happen!

He's on his feet in an instant, skidding across the room so fast, he almost falls on his ass, gotta stop Dean from running, gotta clean up this freaking mess he's shoved them both into face-first.

He's out the door in a heartbeat, scanning Bobby's junkyard, expecting to see the Impala squealing away in a cloud of pissed-off exhaust, his brother hunched behind the wheel.

Instead he sees Dean, slumped over the top of the car, face buried in his arms, like he's got no strength, like he's broken-

Pulls Sam up short because he thinks Dean is-

Fuck, is he _crying_?

Dean suddenly shoves away from the car, whirls around and swipes an impatient arm across his eyes, bends down to pick up an old tire iron off the ground and hefts it, staring down at his fingers curled around it before he steps back and rears it over one shoulder, taking aim at a rusted out station wagon nearby.

CRASH!

It's so loud, the clang of metal on metal, that Sam jumps, shoulders hunched around his ears, _gonna wake the fucking dead _and he's flinching back at the savage curse that cuts through the air, "Son of a _bitch_!"

Dean hauls back and smashes in again, and again, peppering the air with curses, beating the old car to a pulp, doesn't stop until the door caves in under his attack and when he's done, panting harsh and staring with dull eyes at the damage he's wrought, he drops the tire iron and stumbles away, a hurt, choked sound breaking from his throat.

Still hasn't seen Sam frozen in place behind him, mouth hanging open in surprise.

Because he's never seen Dean so out of control and it's scaring the hell out of him, an aching grip in the pit of his stomach because Dean is _always_ powerful, always decisive, knows what to do with a certainty that Sam secretly envies and this-this broken shell of a man isn't his brother, not what Dean should be and it rips a hole in Sam's gut because _he_ did this, all of this, broke this strong, fierce man in ways he didn't even know he could and a black shame rolls over him, clenches his throat.

"Dean, wait!" He's lunging forward, just manages to catch one of Dean's arms and hauls him around, gonna get this straight right now, gonna fix this-

Dean's green eyes land on his and skitter away but not until Sam's seen the tears, the deep hurt shining out from under the harsh scowl, his brother trying to hide behind anger, yanking his arm out of Sam's grip even as he's snarling out the words, "Get offa me, asshole! Which fucking part aren't you getting, Sam? Because this…between us? It's done. We're done. So go peddle your fucking games somewhere else because I've had enough of your shit!"

But Sam won't let go, clutching tighter with both hands, gripping the soft leather jacket before Dean can turn away and hanging on for dear life, can't let go until Dean knows the truth.

"No, Dean, no! Not gonna let you go, gotta…fuck, just please don't go, need you to-need you to stay and- damn, I'm so sorry! Never meant to…" He gives a shuddering breath, gonna tell Dean all of it now, "Okay, I _did_ mean to trick you, was like I _had_ to because you were being like a fucking robot, man, no damn feelings at all, like our night together never happened and it _did_ fucking happen, Dean, it did! And you were-like it meant nothing, like _I_ was nothing and it-fuck, will you please just goddamn _look_ at me!"

Dean's fierce gaze jerks back up to his, pins him in place like a bug under glass, licks into him like fire and he feels himself burning up, falling into the flames, drowning in the heat of those eyes and no, can't let himself go there yet, has to finish this.

Swallows hard over the lump in his throat, keeps his eyes locked on Dean's, and stammers out the rest, trying to put into words the loss, thesheer _terror_ he'd felt at Dean's withdrawal, "Feel so goddamn alone in this, thought-thought you loved me, thought you wanted me, that's what you kept_ saying_, over and over again but it's not true, man, can't be true because you just-goddamn _left_ me, floundering, all by myself in this, shut me right out, so fucking cold and, and gone from me and I couldn't take it, you know? Wanted you to want me again, just once more, thought if I could get you to just _touch_ me, you'd love me again-" Sam knows he sounds childish, hears the whine in his voice and it pisses him off, just like the tears burning at his eyes do and he gestures wild, angry, "_Know_ you were only doing what I wanted and I just-didn't know it was gonna _hurt_ so much, you know? Didn't know I was gonna _want_ this so fucking much-"

Dean doesn't move, doesn't twitch, just stares into Sam's eyes, searching for something, muscles tense and stiff, not giving away a freaking thing and shit, didn't he hear Sam? Doesn't he feel anything, anything at all for Sam anymore? He just fucking pulled his pants down, exposed himself and revealed his heart and Dean's just goddamn _standing there_ like a freaking statue, dead and unmoving.

Sam flexes his fingers still buried in Dean's jacket, gives a quick tug forward to get his brother's attention, needs him to let Sam in- "Dean, _please_, need you to talk to me, tell me what you're feeling, can't do this alone, man, come _on! _Tell me to fuck off, that you hate me, that you love me but fucking say something!"

And Dean moves so fast, all Sam sees is a blur, the sudden fierce grip on his arms making him cry out as he's lifted up bodily and spun around, his spine slamming into the car, crushing his breath and stealing his wind and all he can see are Dean's eyes, glittering with unshed tears, the voice raw anger, seething pain and black rage, the scowl dark and forbidding, "Say something? I'll say something, you manipulative little _bitch_!"

"No, Dean, it's not what you-" And his words are cut off by a hot mouth landing on his, teeth clanking against his so hard, it rattles his jaw and his mouth is forced open, the tongue that's shoved in harsh and cruel, no love there, no caring, it's rage and possession, fierce and punishing, his lips crushed, stretched wide, his head forced back, and the utter strength of his brother holding him down frightens Sam, wants Dean's kiss but not like this, not with hate.

Starts to struggle, tries to get his hands in between them, to shove Dean away but his wrists are caught, jerked away and held firm at his thighs by strong fists, Dean taking his mouth, rough and greedy, crushing him against the car, won't even let Sam suck in a decent breath and he twists against the hard body holding him in place, trying to push Dean away because he doesn't _want_ it like this! It hurts and wounds and makes him feel dirty, betrayed.

And it's like Dean knows, just what he needs because suddenly the kiss changes, it softens and slows, the magical tongue sliding around his, curling and dancing, sending hot flicks of pleasure along Sam's nerves, erotic and sensual and he feels himself falling, drowning in his brother's taste, in the delicious kiss that's making him tremble with want.

And Sam's lost there, nothing else matters but this, Dean's incredible mouth on his, stealing his will to fight and turning him into an aching, quivering lump of nerves, begging for more of this, all he can get.

Dean doesn't release his mouth until he's been thoroughly kissed, his spirit, his determination, all melted into a puddle of hot lust and he chases after those sweet lips, wants to dive in again, lose his mind and just feel.

Sam's hands are freed and he flexes them, can still feel Dean's fierce grip and he catches his brother's eyes, blushing because he knows how he must look right now, as hot and flushed as he feels, mouth red and swollen, cheeks pink with desire, eyes glinting with lust and he's panting, for fuck's sake!

He gives a small moan, fingers dragging down Dean's ribs to his waist, hooking in belt loops and pulling close, blood humming in his ears as he tilts his head back, offers his mouth for more of his brother's taste, for more of that luscious tongue that circles and dives, rips him wide open and leaves him gasping there, filling his soul with a yearning he's never known before, shattering him, like he's dying, shivering sweetly, and fuck, yeah, stairway right to Goddamn heaven.

Feels the hands roaming gently over his back, sliding down the swell of his ass and squeezing tight, pulling him in so Dean's cock is _right there_, hard against his own and fuck, that feels good!

When Dean nips at his mouth, Sam can't do anything more than _let _him, Dean practically holding him up because Sam's knees buckled at the first swipe of tongue and now he's a limp, trembling, incoherent mess, clinging to his brother for support-

"Jesus Christ, Sammy." Dean's voice is broken, thick with want.

"God, love you so much, Dean, want you so _bad_-" And Sam slides his hand up, cups behind Dean's head and urges him in, mouth groping, wants more of that delectable taste, that luscious tongue-

"NO! Goddamn it, Sam, _no_!" And Dean's pushing away, stumbling back and the caressing hands are gone, his brother looking at him like he's pathetic, something to be pitied, the sneer on those full lips cutting him deep, the disgust too much to bear and he drops his head, can't look at it anymore, can't be here.

"Yeah, I-I get it, Dean and I'm so fucking sorry for all of this, man, I just-" And he turns away, ashamed, can't stand to see that look on his brother's face again and he's stuttering over the words, needs to get them out before he starts bawling, "G-God, don't know how to fix this, know I fucked us up and just so goddamn sorry…I'll-I'll go and you can stay, okay? Know I'm a fuck up, Dean, know I don't deserve you, deserve this and…shit, 'm sorry." He shoulders past Dean, starts walking fast, head down, hiding behind his long hair so the tears rolling down his cheeks will be concealed, his sole focus on putting space between him and his brother, doesn't want to hurt Dean anymore.

He's hauled back by the shirt collar, damn near choked on it and Dean's got a fierce grip on his shoulders shaking him rough, rocking through his brain, even as Dean's yelling in his face, "Goddamn it, Sam, you're not going anywhere! I swear to Christ, you are trying to drive me freaking crazy-feel like I hate you right now because of your stupid games and I can't take it, man, I just-it's like you're_ trying_ to rip my heart into goddamn pieces for fucking fun and what I want to know is _why_! I mean-what the fucking hell, Sammy?" Dean eyes are a puzzled hurt, lights in them flickering with pain, and he's shaking, mad as hell at himself, Sam can tell, because he's reached the edge, not able to keep his feelings shoved down, hidden and he's a hissing snake ready to strike, the loss of control making Dean twitchy, frightened and this isn't gonna go well, not well at all, because his brother's scared.

Scared to lose Sam if he pushes, scared to lose Sam if he doesn't and he needs control back, Sam can see it, knows his brother well enough, knows that he's ready to attack at the slightest provocation.

"I don't! Dean, please-"

He's reaching out, trying to touch, so Dean knows his heart but his hand is knocked away, Dean still shouting, "No! I've been up front with you, told you how I felt from the jump, let you see my heart _twice_, laid myself bare for you, so you could stomp it into the ground and you fucking steered this, Sammy,_ you_ made the rules, _you_ set the limits and I went along because I love you and it was the only way I could have you! So, yeah, I promised you, one time only, because you insisted, because you demanded! And then you changed the fucking rules, Sam! You got a wild hair and decided you wanted more but couldn't back down, could you? Because it would mean you were wrong, that the great Sam Winchester made a mistake and you couldn't stand that, could you?"

Sam can't look at Dean, sinks lower into himself with every slap of words because Dean's calling him out, exactly right, spade's a spade, and he _knows_ what he did, knows he's a piece of shit and that he doesn't deserve this man's love, he abused it, treated it like a joke, a game and the guilt claws more furrows in his heart, because now Dean knows, knows what he is, just how selfish, how horrible Sam is-

The clutch at his throat is thick and hurting, and all he wants is for Dean to forgive him, for Dean to love him again, to open his arms and take Sam in, hold him close and safe, warm his cold heart with pure love.

Gonna admit everything now, gonna let Dean see that he's weak, needy and that he loves Dean more than life,_ has_ to, gonna lose Dean if he doesn't, knows his brother's seconds away from walking, for good and he can't let that happen, needs Dean to _be_ here, with him, as his brother if nothing else, and his voice is a raw, desperate, "Yes, ok? Fuck yes, I was wrong, made a mistake, hell, made a shit ton of mistakes, couldn't live with just once, needed you-Jesus, for good, for keeps, couldn't get the damn memories out of my head, you taking me, you inside me, filling me and just-wanted you so fucking much, it-every fucking thought, every _second_, and it's not goddamn fair, man! Shouldn't need you like this, it's _wrong_, Dean, so fucking wrong, all of it, and I-_tried_ to do the right thing, tried to stop this but I'm-not strong enough, just-weak, so fucking weak when it comes to you. Love you, love you so damn much , just-" And Sam shakes his head, trails away, can't continue because he's gonna lose it in another second, nerves stretched thin and fraying, ready to snap.

Dean's eyes glitter at him, hot anger and something else, something dark and dangerous, just under the surface, live wires twisting and spitting and no ground in sight, and his skin picks and tingles, hairs goose –pimpling at the sudden tension between them, the pulse of air heavy with anticipation-

"You boys alright out there?" Bobby's voice floats over, and Sam nearly jumps out of his skin, forgot where they were, forgot it's the middle of the night and they're practically screaming at each other.

Knows Bobby's been awake since Dean was killing the car, dimly remembers a light going on behind a window but he'd been so focused on Dean, he hadn't connected the dots and now-

Shit, hopes Bobby hasn't been listening to their conversation because if he has, he just got a damn earful!

Dean doesn't blink, doesn't twitch as he responds, his voice loud and sure, eyes never leaving Sam's face, "Yeah, Bobby, me and Sam are just having a difference of opinion's all, nothing to worry about. Sorry we woke you."

"Idjits…" Dimly hears the word and it's almost enough to penetrate, make Sam crack a smile but at the last second, it rolls over him and away and he doesn't have any smiles left in him.

"Get your ass in the car." Dean growls it at him and Sam hurries to obey, knows Dean's reached it, end of the line and he's just aching to punch something – and if that something happens to be Sam's jaw, so be it, and he's not scared of his big brother, he's not. Just-Dean's always been able to kick his ass, his pain tolerance beyond belief because he's one stubborn son of a bitch and won't give in, won't back down until he's dead or unconscious.

If it comes to a slugging match, Sam's gonna wind up the loser and he knows it, they both know it, so there's no need to examine it or bring it to light, it just _is_-Dean's a better fighter than he is, always has been, and that's why he's always followed Dean's orders, his big brother alpha dog and Sam takes his rightful place, under Dean's control.

Settles into the passenger seat, just barely managing to yank his feet in and slam the door shut before the engine roars to life, Dean's heavy foot stomping down on the gas, squealing them the hell out of Bobby's.

Sam chews at his bottom lip, nerves on high alert, doesn't know what Dean's gonna do, if he's gonna drive Sam's ass to some town and leave him, thrown out like trash on the side of the road, pretty sure that's what he'd do if Dean treated him like Sam's been acting.

"Dean, where are we-?" He manages to squeak it out before he's cut off.

"Shut up!" Dean snarls at him, doesn't even look over, just snaps out the command and Sam does, his brother a force to be reckoned with and he doesn't want to get his ass kicked, doesn't want to get abandoned, just wants his stupid brother to love on him-

Knows they're way past that and the fear in his gut drags at him, fills him and he can only hunch forward, hug his knees and hope like hell Dean's still with him when this whole stupid, fucked up thing is over.

The car screeches to a halt and Sam drags his eyes up, staring out the open window at the woods all around, the full moon shining bright, and it rips something open in his heart, the stark beauty of it, the smell of pine heavy in the air.

The only sound is the ticking of engine and Dean's catch of breath, the shift of leather jacket rustling against the seat as his brother settles, grips the steering wheel with white knuckles, stares straight ahead.

The words are sudden, bitten out through gritted jaw, the agony laced through them sinking Sam even deeper into guilt, "Sam. If you've never in your life told me the truth before, I need you to fucking do it right now, okay? This is fucking everything right here and I've told you how it is with me, how deep it is and you still don't understand…you still don't get it and it's gotta be you, Sammy. I can't explain or reveal anymore, you've seen it all so now you've gotta tell me-"

Dean sucks in a breath and it's like he doesn't want to say, but he knows, just needs Sam to clarify, drill it home, "You keep saying it's _wrong_, this thing between us and you really _believe_ it, it's not just taking the high road and being the better person, nope, there's something going on with you about this, something deeper and I gotta ask…No matter how much we want this, no matter how many times I make love to you, you're always gonna believe that, aren't you?"

"I-", Sam snaps his mouth shut, emotion washing over him like a tidal wave, because yes, it _is_ wrong! Incest is wrong, Goddamn it! it's not just a whim or something, it's against the goddamn law of the world, brothers don't fuck brothers, it's just not done, it's goddam Deliverance and fucked up retarded children and inbreeding and Ned freaking Beatty squealing like a pig-

And what in the _fuck_ is he thinking about _that_ for? Neither one of them can get pregnant so it's a stupid moot point and Sam shakes his head, it's not that part that bothers him so much, not really and he just can't pinpoint it, his unease, his dread at the very thought.

So what the hell is it? Why can't Sam just let them have this, freely, without guilt?

And with a wave of clarity, of memory, he _knows_-

It's Dad. And Dean.

#

His father drilled homophobic shit into his head his whole life, made pointed, cutting remarks every chance he could about faggots and twinks, like he could _see_ it, festering inside of Sam, especially when Sam talked about college, like just because he didn't want to fucking hunt his entire freaking life, it made him more feminine, less of a man-

Knew Dean was the same as Dad, that's why Dean fucked chicks like he was starving, to prove to his father, to everyone, that he was all man, no gay girly-ass stuff for him, that was okay for his little brother but Dean liked tits and anyone that said different got his ass kicked.

All his life, Sam had been made to feel less of a man than Dean and his Dad, all his life he'd been the 'girl' in the family, teased mercilessly by his brother with each salad he ordered, each poem he read aloud, each book he inhaled, it was like he wasn't a Winchester at all. Didn't fit with them, never fit that way and then, falling in love with Dean made it so much worse, because he knew then that he wasn't a man at all, never would be in his father's eyes.

Or in his brother's eyes.

His Dad told him that people like that, men like that, go straight to hell, that to be _that way, _ahomosexual,was a sin, against God, against nature and he'd scared the shit out of young Sam, condemning the stirrings of love in his heart for Dean and it's hopeless, knows he'll never get over that mindset, the weak trembling in his gut that leaves him helpless, afraid.

He's afraid to love Dean that way, to just let them because to admit, to allow, that he's gay and in love with his brother, will damn his soul forever.

#

He reaches out, catches Dean's arm and tries to say the truth but he can't, it hurts too much, the memories of his Dad, of Dean, drilling those fears into him and his stupid brother doesn't even know he had a part in it so Sam chokes out all he can, "Dean, please…_Do _love you, do want you, just-can't! Wish you could understand…"

But Dean shakes off his hand, face a tight clench of hurt, of fury because he's had _enough_, it's in his eyes, in the thin pressed line of his mouth, the firm grit of chin-

"Then until you _can_, Sam, until you can come to me and tell me that this isn't wrong and that you want me without holding back, without shame, I'm not fucking touching you!" And his eyes catch and lock on Sam's, defiant and cold, makes Sam cringe away from the look, because he knows now they're done, really done, for good.

It's over.

And he just wants to curl up and die now.

#

The drive back to Bobby's is slow and silent, with Dean gripping the wheel tight and Sam pressed up against the window, staring out into the dark, physically and mentally as far away from his brother as he can get.

It's when Dean flips the radio on that the shit hits the fan.

#

It's some stupid song, the whiny singer caterwauling about not letting love slip away and he takes it for about one minute before it starts scraping on his last nerve and he finally reaches over, twists the knob and shuts off the annoying wail.

Dean glances over, a nasty grin on his face, "Whassamatter, Sammy? Hitting a little too close to home for you?"

And the smug tone catches at Sam's temper and he glares at Dean, bites his tongue to hold in the snap of words that rise up fast-

Would've been okay if Dean had just shut up right then, let it rest but _no_, his goddamn brother's gotta keep digging, keep picking at the festering sore until it's blazing bright and harsh again and Sam's pulling in deep breaths, trying to stay calm, keep in control.

"Gotta hand it to you, Sam. Didn't think it was possible to fuck us up any more than we already are but you, man, it's like you're a freaking pro at it. Managed to turn me into a love-sick fool that actually thought you reciprocated, least that's what you said…gave me that sob story about me washing you in the shower and, fuck, man, I actually believed-" Dean shakes his head, rubs a rough hand across his mouth, "Like I said, Sam. A fucking pro."

The bitterness in Dean's voice is a hard cut to swallow, and Sam knows he put it there, knows it's not Dean's fault, he's just striking back, trying to hurt, trying to deal with his own pain but Sam just needs him to _shut_ the fuck up, right now.

"Dean-" His voice is a low growl, a warning because the storm in his gut is swirling and eddying, the funnel cloud inside is growing larger, sucking in at his temper and pulling it raw and he can't take much more, gonna blow soon-

But Dean won't stop, huffs out a laugh, slicing deep into Sam's heart and twisting there, "Always thought I'd be safe, you know? Thought I could trust you, thought you loved me, like a brother if nothing else and now…didn't think we'd ever end up like this, like we can't even look at each other anymore. Fucking sucks, dude."

"Stop the car." Sam doesn't even know he's spoken, just hears the words clipped out into the air.

Dean glances over at him quick, assessing and then guns the engine, flipping on the radio again at tone-deaf volumes, drowning out talking, "Don't think so, Sam."

He waits a moment, tries to pull it back in, his anger, his childhood resentment but it's not going away, it's growing into a black ball of hate and it's high time that Dean knew, acknowledged what he and Dad did to Sam, how they imprisoned him into the role he was forced to play.

His arm shoots out, twists the knob fast, almost ripping it off the radio and says succinctly, into the deafening silence in the car, "I said, pull the fuck over. Now!"

His voice is deadly, sure, and he meets Dean's eyes, glaring into the intimidating green with a power that rages through him, won't back down, not now, not anymore, gonna tell Dean all of it now.

An expression crosses Dean's face, surprised and guarded, the gleam in those eyes wary, waiting and he nods, acquiesces-

Slows the car and pulls over onto the shoulder, turns the key off and the silence crowds them, the only sound the ticking of the engine in the heat of the night.

Sam jerks his door open and he's out, stalking away, trying to deep breathe so he doesn't rip his brother a new asshole-

Dean's behind him in a heartbeat, spinning him back around by one arm and then standing, challenging him, hands on hips, "You got something to say to me, Sammy?"

And before he knows it, he's spilling his guts, nasty and awful into the air between them, gonna make them deal with it now and it's probably gonna break them but at least it's out there and Dean will know the truth-

"All my life, all my fucking life, you and Dad…calling me gay, calling me a girl, making me feel so fucking _inadequate_ and I'm goddamn tired of it. It stops here."

Dean flinches, his scowl darkening with confusion, "Sam, what're you…"

And Sam pokes an accusing finger into Dean's chest, "I'm talking about _you_, Dean, and Dad. And all the fucking shit, that went along with being Dad's son and your brother! Dad, being so damned homophobic, it was ridiculous, and I knew the threat was there, hanging over my head, every damn day, that he'd kill me if I ever turned gay and then there was you-my stud of a brother who fucked every girl just for breathing, just to prove a goddamn point. Do you have any idea what it was like? Loving you? Knowing it, how deep it was and being so fucking scared Dad would find out, start hating me, start calling me those names he called the others, the ones that were sinners…And you-helped! You were just as bad, calling me Samantha, calling me a girl every time I fucking turned around and then you wonder _why_ I think this is wrong? What the hell am I supposed to think when it was drilled into my head since I was fucking six years old that _gay is wrong_, that gay means going to hell, black soul and hellfire and brimstone and outcast and loveless…it-"

Sam trails away, looks down, can't maintain eye contact because he just goddamn revealed everything, all the hurt in his heart he'd kept inside, his whole life, fear and rage at finding himself in love with his brother and stumbling there, lost and afraid, not able to declare himself, not able to talk to anybody about it.

Not even Dean.

And it's a deep hurt, a child's rage and he knows he's fucked up about it, knows he is but and he can't even look at Dean because he was a part in it-

"Sammy." Dean's voice is hoarse, soft, grabs his attention and curls a lick of want through because even though he's mad at Dean, that fucking tone, sultry and low, deep enough it licks at his brain, at his loins and holy hell, he loves Dean's voice, "Sammy, I'm so sorry…"

Sam cuts him off, shaking his head, "Too late now. Doesn't really matter anymore."

And even though it's softly spoken, it cuts through like a shout, "I-damn, I didn't even _think _about that, about how it came across and Jesus, Sam! What the hell? Why didn't you tell me about this before?"

"Tried. Over and over again. You-didn't want to know. And neither did Dad. Told you, this, between us? It's _wrong_. So fucking wrong to be so fucked up like this and I can't get past it! Know if we keep going, it's gonna be like Dad said, we're both gonna rot in hell, damn our souls and, and…" And he shakes his head, knows intellectually it's not true but the horrible pictures his Dad painted in his head when he was a child are still bright and detailed, still scare the crap out of him but he doesn't want Dean to feel sorry for him, doesn't want Dean to think he's stupid.

Hell, Sam doesn't know what he wants-

"Okay, okay, let's just…" Dean stops, bites at his lip and stares at Sam, eyes darkening with sudden mischief as a grin spreads across his face.

And Sam can't believe it, his fucking brother is _laughing_ at him and of all the reactions he thought he'd get from Dean, this freaking smirk wasn't one of them and his anger heats up, floods through and before he even thinks about it, he's swinging wild, fist crunching into his brother's jaw, whipping Dean's head around, shouting into Dean's face, "What the fuck is so goddamn funny, asshole!"

"Sam, shit! What the hell you hitting me for?" Dean has a hand to his jaw, shaking his head to clear it, looking at Sam like he just grew three heads and then his jaw firms, he gives Sam a predatory look and dives for him, catching Sam and lifting him off his feet, tossing him over one hip.

Sam lands hard on his back, the breath knocked out of him and the next thing he knows, Dean's on top of him, straddling him, knees gripping in, while strong hands hold down his shoulders and the idiotic grin is still playing over his brother's mouth-

"Oh, Sammy…you probably shouldn't have done that, man, 'cause payback's a bitch!" And Dean slides down Sam's body with his hips, stretching out to his full length, laying on top of him, heavy and warm and Sam still can't catch his breath, doesn't know how the hell he ended up here so fast, under Dean, disabled and caught, held.

"Stop laughing at me, jerk!" He yells it up in Dean's face, struggles to get his hands free, to get out from underneath his asshole of a brother, bucking up with his hips to try to dislodge the hard body pressing into his, still pissed off to beat the band because he just fucking revealed himself and Dean thinks it's all a goddamn joke!

Dean leans over, nuzzles under his chin and kisses gently, breathes warm into his skin, "Not laughing at _you_. Laughing at _us_. Dude, I already been to hell, remember? And gay? I've been gayer in the last week and a half than you'll ever be, Sammy, so fuck Dad and fuck every homophobic crap thing he ever said to you. This is you and me, dude, and we're the only ones in this, not Dad, not all the chicks I screwed, not how many times I teased you and called you names. You and me, gay as hell and so freaking hot for each other, we're boiling over with it, at least I am. And I know you want me just as much. Don't you?" Dean pulls back, plants a sweet kiss on his mouth and laughs at the stunned look Sam knows is stretched across his face because what Dean said, it's just…

It can't be that simple. Not after a lifetime's worth of fucked up but-

It's true. Dean _has_ been to hell, came back from it and he's still alive, not burning with eternal fire and his soul, even though it's bent a little, isn't black and ruined.

And Dean _did_ kiss him first, at least in awake time, broke down the walls between them and he doesn't even seem to mind his sudden complete gayness, actually seems to be enjoying it, truth be told. Certainly doesn't have all these hang-ups associated with it that Sam does.

It can't be that simple.

But it is.

When he breathes it in, it's easy and clean, and the relief flows like honey, sweet in his veins, singing in his head and it's just-

Yeah. _Hell_, yeah.

Another kiss lands on his mouth, deliciously soft with a slight press of tongue, just enough pressure to convince Sam to part his lips, let Dean slide in for a taste, just the tip, circling his, pulling sparks of trembling pleasure through his gut and _damn_, what this man does to him.

Dean draws back, studies his face and sees it, shining there new and pure, the acceptance, the love, bends down to nudge against Sam's face and whisper hotly, "So what do you think, Homo Joe? Wanna make me your gay bitch and kick the doors wide open on this Hell we're supposedly going to?"

And he tries to hold it in, feels it bubbling up, trembling at the edges and he finally loses it when Dean purses his lips and bats his eyelashes at him-

Bursts into a freeing laugh, lets it roll out of him because his brother is an idiot, "Oh, for Christ's sake, Dean! You look ridiculous, man!"

"But you love me anyway, don't you?" Dean reaches up, strokes through Sam's hair.

And his laughter dies away, staring up into Dean's eyes and all he can do is touch back, caress gently and let the truth roll on out, "Fuck, yeah, I do. With all my soul, damned or not."

"Then, what say we get this party started, Sammy?" Dean leers down at his body suggestively, shooting instant fire down into Sam's dick.

And Sam can't do anything else but pant out his agreement, his heart thudding deep in his chest, _gonna have Dean, gonna know Dean, all of him. _

_Fucking finally._

_##_


End file.
